i realize that i began to resent what you loved and what you had to do. but of course i did... because it took you away from me. i didnt want to accept the fact that these were things more important than your silly high school sweet heart. i couldnt help resenting these things and missing you. i loved you.
"they didn't agree on much. in fact, they didnt agree on anything. they fought all the time, and challenged each other every day. but despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. they were crazy about each other."
how could ya just move on? :/ im getting this really sick feeling in my tummy. after loving someone more than anything in the world, trying to make him happy.. trying to be with him.. trying to talk to him even though i shouldn't be, how am i supposed to move on? i woulda given anything for you. woulda tried my best to do anything for you. i've turned into this stupid weak girl who gets her heart broken over and over and over again.. and i just let it happen. i never wanted to become one of those. but love.. love changes everything.
when he doesn't care.. when he ignores you.. that's when you should move on.
but who says it's that easy? at least for me it isnt. gahdd, i hate being depressed like this :/
i really dont know why i still try. still try to be nice. still try to be a good friend.. or a friend at least. but what do I get in return? a big fattt nothin ! why is this so unfair? i just feel really pissed off now for trying to be a good person and letting it blow up in my face. i should known that was coming.
omg, k got that from kaycee's twitter. mannn that makes me soo sad ): cause.. i kind of HAVE TO try to be strong. and i cant find my strength. but i think now is the time where i really have to try to do it mooore than ever.
communication in a relationship is vital and healthy. express what you feel. communication is key.
sommmmmetimes, i dont see the point in trying. and i've always believed that if you loved someone, you would do anything for them, no matter what the circumstances may be. but if someone keeps you waiting, no matter how much you want to wait, there is a point where you should just stop. because no one deserves to be treated that way. why would the person on the other end make you wait so long anyways if he or she "loves" you. riiight. well whatever. i dont know, i guess i just had to get that out.
hmm haven't blogged in a whiiiile. but right now im going through alots, so ill write about it. or type. whatevah you know what i mean ! sooo many things going through my mind, and i dont really tell anybody all of it.
i dont get how one day, someone can love you more than anyone could say. it's so crazy, that you can't even explain it.. but the next day its gone. it just makes me angry. not sad.. not depressed. not like before. now im just angry, that you could go from loving, to treating me like im invisible. i dont think it would do my feelings any justice if i tried explaining it, cause it hurts way too much. i know that sounds so mellow-dramatic, but that's just how it is. when you love someone, you can't change the way your feelings work. you can't change the fact that whatever your "person" does to you, it hurts like never before. yesterday i texted someone. she was really sad. over someone she REALLY loved. and i told her " dont worry, its normal not to forget your first love." i dont think there will ever be anyone who will make you feel the way your first love made you feel. you might love someone just as much, but the feelings that you and your first love had are irreplaceable.
family problems. alot. let's just say.. i don't exactly know where the heck im gonna live on weekends. there are horrible people in this world who lie. they even have the nerve to steal your money but be EXTREMELY KIND to your face. ughh. i don't understand. do these people not have consciences? really? mm. i dont know. maybe karma will kick em in the butt one day. if it's even real. i hope its real. mom and dad are still having troubles with work.. or i guess the lack of work :/ they're good people.. i dont get it. this is why i wish karma were real. they deserve better than this.
then there are these money problems. im trying to save up money for a car. first i thought that maybe i'd hit $5000 by december. but i highly doubt that. i have to pay for everything now. dad can't give me lunch moneys or anything. but i dont blame him. it kinda just sucks. and then i have to buy my own printer.. probably somewhere around $100. i gotta re-touch my hairs.. maybe around $30 or $40. also, i have to buy my own cell phone now. getting a new juan on friday. im excited about it.. finally no more stupid chocolate that breaks all the time and turns off by itself ! but i dont wanna spend the money ): really really big sighhh. i dont know if ill make it to $5000 by the end of december ):
at least one thing im really excited about is BFF JB and her baby (: he's coming soon. im gonna love him so so so so much. well i already do. but ill finally get to hold him and play with him. im just kinda nervous for her. labor can be complicated. but hopefully this delivery is a speedy juan ! but not too speedy, cause i wanna be able to make it to the hospital before he's out haha. hopefully he comes on the weekend, while im in walnuts. it won't be so complicated to get there.
alright, well that was my little venting sesh. i doubt anyone read this whole thing (: heh. sorry. you might be reading this cause you decided to skip to the end. or you ACTUALLY read it. if so, THANKS ! (: haha K NIGHT !
This is God, Today i will be handling all of your problems for you.
I do not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.
P.S. And, remember... if life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in my time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in the world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take a walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Should you decide to share this with a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
please just dont say things when you dont mean them
or dont plan on fulfilling them.
i wanna know why people lie.
i dont think there's really such a thing as lying for the benefit of someone else. because the truth seems to always come out. so instead of coming out with one bad thing, two bad things happen ! its whatever happened in the first place PLUS the lie that they just told. bleh.
i really like my myspace song. i've listened to it about ten times every night for a week straight. so school hasn't been so bad. there is only one class out of four that i dislike. marketing events. its about event planning and such. not for me. but im required to take it anyways. effective speaking isn't so bad. i know one person in the class. my teacher said we were a very good looking class right after we went up to inform the class about each other. pretty cool. lighting techniques should be fun when i make a light fixture out of recycled goods. computer graphics is whatever. im bad at photoshop but i like it better than illustrator. hopefully i can balannce everything. work is still a drag but we've gotten new workers so hopefully ill end up being less tired. and now im home in westco/walnut. feeling the way i often but shouldn't feel. hmm i suppose ill survive though. things never turn out exactly right. people wanna be noticed. today i had to walk one giant block to my bus stop because the sidewalk by my house was coned off. i don't think ill be attending the game on sunday. first one ill miss. sort of sad.
my weekend was a good juan. i got to see everyone i wanted, i think (: hopefully this week goes by fast. i have a feeling it will! things have gotten alot better. friendships stronger. co-workers are better lol. i got my last paycheck on friday. i made $621 but only got $571 cause of taxes. but its alright, ill get it back. i coulda gotten my fit yesterday.. but i didnt. its okay cause ill save more money and shtuff first. then ill have to pay less in the end. please let this week be a good juan.
today was an alright day. nothang special i guess. i like my co-workers better when they're not co-workers. but when you get em outside, just to talk, it's cute. i was pretty pooped today after work so i took a napsy and fell asleep on all who i was texting. lol sowwy. right now i am waiting for the paint to dry. also listening to simple, starving to be safe. this juan's dedicated to you, ryan (: BAHAHA
"time passes. even when it seems impossible. even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. even for me."
that is a very good quote from twilight (: bella swan was a fighter.
blah blah blah. i've been good lately. this is fun.
im sitting here with some earyl grey and the new mini teapot i bought myself form this litto asian markett. yum yum in my tum tum ! ive been saying that alot lately haha. cause there's so much good food around me lately. failure though cause i need to cut back on foods ! interesting last couple of days. new close friends in my life (: this is fun haha. im kindaaa looking forward to finding a new job?! i wanted yogurtland. but maaaaybe joghurt since i can walk there ! lol kinda makes me laugh. i want friday because that equals PAYCHECK (: should be around $600, thank you (: i got a good weekend, so i am happy. i bet alotta people like that change (: haha
i wish i could wear shorts to work. i have to be all covered up. not to mention it's as cold as a freezer in there. i wanna find a new
job but i probably wouldn't find another place to pay me $9,
give me 8 hour shifts every day of the week, and one this easy. it's also at school, so getting there is no biggie. filling out all this financial aid stuff is a pain in the butt. ohwell.. paycheck this friday.
should be a good $400-$500 so all is well (: i'm staying off that birth control. makes me moody and emotional. so far, i feel really good. less depressed. and all of this drama.. i think i can brush it off my shoulder now.
then she paused, and her eyed filled up with tears. as her tone shifted she said, "right now im in pain. i have nothing to give, this is when i need you the most. please, come over here and hold me. you dont have to say anything. i just need to feel your arms around me. please dont go."