i can`t breath

i can`t remember being this angry EVER. hitting tables, kicking walls. i`m so angry AT MYSELF. i don`t know what to do. have you ever been so mad at someone, but then you realize you`re actually angry at yourself? well that`s EXACTLY how i feel. writing a blog about it seems dumb, but it relieves SO MUCH stress &anger. i feel like a BIG FUCKING IDIOT.

my heart really hurts right now. it hurts every time i look at you, because i don`t know if i really have you. i don`t know if you`re really mine. &it hurts SO MUCH because you have me. &there`s nothing i can do about it. sometimes i look at you.. while you don`t notice.. &my heart just hurts. i get the chills. i get scared. so many emotions run through my brain that i can`t even think. &tears start to fall down my eyes. but i wipe them away before anybody can even see them. i don`t feel like i`m anyone`s special someone anymore. but i wish you could PROVE ME WRONG..

you asked me if that`s what i wanted. that`s not what i want. i just want everything to be okay. i wish everything was the way it used to be. i want to go a day without fighting. everything can seem so perfect one moment, &the next is so terrible. remember last night? i wish i could have stayed in your arms forever. it felt so perfect. it felt like how it`s supposed to always be. i felt like a baby. i felt like YOUR baby. i remember when we used to always act that way. so lovey dovey. now it`s like it was just puppy love. but i`d do ANYTHING to get that back. i miss feeling like i`m worth the world to someone.

i guess heart ache really does exist..