now i don't know, now i don't know

woke up from this dream

that completely broke my heart.

in my dream you found your new love.

and i was there to see it all.

bleh, so i gay.

i wonder if it's real and you already have found someone new.

either it's just me being paranoid of you finding a new love,

or my dreams trying to tell me that you have found someone.

im nervous for the day that i see you with someone other than me.

went back to sleep, and had another dream.

this one was completely different..

but let's not talk about that.

today's schedule:

HOMEWORK

HOMEWORK

HOMEWORK

VPC 2008

watching those segments seriously made me want to cry.

the very last episode, saying goodbye to the seniors was touching.

i wanna cry cause so much has changed.

our expectations and hopes, they've all changed, and some gone.

it sucks to remember all the good things from the past

and then realize that they're now gone.

to the current seniors: cherish it, PLEASE !

when a heart breaks

i could check your myspace

and in a way i want to..

but i know i shouldn't.

and i haven't ever since i gave it up.

it was sorta the only way for me to figure out how you were feeling.

since you don't ever like to talk about it.

i kind of regret telling you i coudn't be your friend.

and i wish i was strong enough to be your friend

because it started to be really nice.

but i can't just sit there and give myself false hope every time you do or say something nice.

i really wish i could be your friend

without wanting to be more than that again.

it's hard for me to move on, when i loved you so much.

and i still do, but im sort of being forced not to.

bleh, i know you probably don't read this,

but i just gotta get my feelings out.

i don't know if im just going crazy,

or if my friends are ignoring me on purpose ):

it's kind of really sad.

i guess they just hate me now.

i know it wasn't right for me to shut you guys out

but i dont think you really get how hard this is for me,

i never let anyone in my life like i let him in

and then all of a sudden, he's gone.

i just know that me talking about him is annoying as it is.

and i didnt want to bother you anymore this week

by talking about him even more.

so i didnt want to talk about it.

stupid, but i dont know how else to deal with this

cause ive tried so many ways.

just don't hate me.

when you see a guy or girl friend sulking in their misery

about their significant other,

you cant seem to realize why the eff they just dont get over it.

but what you don't understand is the love.

i used to wonder why my friends kept letting stupid things happen to them

and why they would still want someone after being treated poorly.

but now i understand, because ive gone through it.

and its somethings that's really hard to explain

unless you've gone through this horrible thing too.

my boring life

so it's 4:24 in the morning,

and im beginning to realize that i'm pretty much a ghost to everyone but Justine.

i guess it's sort of what i wanted, but i didnt want them to stop caring.

not one of them has asked me how im doing, but its okay.

cause im feeling the same way ive been feeling for months now.

i guess i havent been making a big effort to talk to people

cause i'm actually trying in school now, for my last two weeks.

not going back to walnut/west covina because i have so much work to do.

but i miss my friends.

i suppose i can sacrifice one weekend for school.

im a horrid student.

and probably a horrid friend.

not like it mattered though, right ?

i think i feel alone more now than ever,

aside from having my best friend justine around, i kinda have no one.

i really miss the way i used to be.

i actually used to be a "happy go lucky" kinda girl.

then i lost someone who meant the world to me,

and as lame as it sounds, my whole world started to crumble.

although i really should have just moved on,

just like i did with all the other guys,

i couldnt seem to let go.

and i know i shouldnt, but i wonder how youre doing.

hopefully, after another week, my break will make everything better again.

i've kinda noticed that if you met me a year ago, you would have liked me better.

you probably wouldnt find me interesting anymore, 

cause im not as bold in person as i was or as i am on my blog.

i knocked out immediately after coming home on my dad's bed.

(sorry dad !)

i just woke up, and my tummy hurts.

i've been feeling sick, no good.

i can just ignore it and fall asleep again.

night, world.

oh, and to my friends

i don't understand

and im having trouble figuring out

if it was all real or fake.

at the time, it seemed so real and so beautiful.

but now it just feels like it was all a big lie.

every 5 or 10 minutes,

i find myself crying all over again.

my eyes are so filled with tears

that i can hardly see what i type.

mistakes almost every word i type out.

im trying to re-analyze everything..

trying to figure out what it was that i did wrong

over and over again.

i don't know how you could go from loving someone

to leaving them behind.

and now i hate the word love

i just hate love in general.

it isn't fair.

and to everybody,

im sorry, but i think im gonna be under my rock for a while.

i cant really talk to anyone.

my phone will be turned off

for, most likely, the whole week.

to the guys:

i can't see you very much anymore.

you can probably figure out why.

and im really sorry..

but i have to do it.

i hope you can understand why.

cutting myself off

"all this time i was wasting

hoping you would come around.

i've been giving out chances every time

and all you do is let me down."

i dont wanna hurt anymore.

it's not fair

that im feeling this way

and that you're doing perfectly fine without me.

it's not fair that i gave you my all

and i got nothing in return.

what do i deserve after loving him more than anything?

NOTHING WHATSOEVER.

i get left behind.

flashback:

went to LACMA today

the last time i was at the LACMA,

i got yelled at.

"FUCK YOU!"

im pretty much miserable.

id like to be left alone for now.

phone off.

don't try to reach me.

who cares, right?

after pouring my heart and soul out to him,

he couldn't care any less.

today, i learned how to suppress my tears,

and now im learning how hide any feelings from the world.

now my guard is up,

and i will never fall in love again.

that was such a stupid idea.

i never want to put myself through that pain again.