and so i`m pretty lost.
i should be more depressed.
but it hasn`t really hit me yet.
but i can feel myself sinking lower and lower.
soon i`ll hit rock bottom.

i can`t believe
just like that,
it was over.

just like that,

it was over.

so my beeday wasn`t so bad. it was pretty alright. except for the night before. there was a little rough patch. but it's alright, cause i go through life like the karate kid (: haha. let`s see. on the 24th, i went to breakfast at millie`s with mom, kees, and ate. then, did a whole bunch of gift wrapping. i must say, i`m pretty dang good (: that night, went over to the cousin`s in long beach for our christmas eve/my beeday party. that was cute. rode with jordan, and fell asleep during the car ride. when do i not fall asleep? (: then he left early, and i enjoyed quality time the my familia. got $500 for birffday and christmas. not so bad. i think i`ll put it toward my mac fund ! ohh i am so excited for one (: i`ve wanted a mac ever since we worked with them in VPC. 

HENNYWAYS, i dropped $170 today. "WHY?!" you might ask. because i got my tattoo (: and i also bought cheryl`s! pretty good deal. we went to "NICE GUY TATTOOS." they`re real tight. they really were nice guys ! so my tattoo is still sore. and red. so it`s not as pretty as it will be in a couple weeks. but i am SO SO SO excited for it (: woohoooo. i finally got it.

tomorrow will be a scary day. pray for me. and wish me luck, please!

punk bitches

oooooh, i want so badly to punch you right now. stupid girls. who like to homewreck. well whatever. it doesn`t matter, because he CHOSE me. that`s what i`m supposed to keep telling myself. i`m trying sooo hard to believe myself and to remind myself that. and seiously, i go numb when i think of you or see you.
you don`t tell someone that you like them when that someone ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. ughh. seriously, go away little girl.
( like i`m not little, right ? (: haha )

i win.
even though it`s not about winning.

i ain`t a punk bitch

i don`t give a fuhhhh !

i have a gut feeling that this birthday is going to be terrible. 8 more days. and i don`t know what to expect. i have my birthday wish all set up, and i really hope that it comes true. but who knows if it really will. i can remember this time last year. everything was so perfect. we were so happy. i was surrounded by friends and family who love me. not that i don`t have friends who love me now, but everyone is so distant. especially the person i was closest to. but i hope to god that everything will be okay asap !

the highlight of my day was finding $5 on the floor, and that`s sad.
but i guess talking to jess and crystal and mystery person made it a little better.
today wasn`t complete.
i feel so incomplete. and so hurt.
but i`m trying to leave it up to that one person to fix.
i honestly feel that i have tried my hardest.
and there is nothing else i can do but wait.

trying to be strong is difficult.
i just WISH i mattered to you again !

i quite like the weather.

tired

i am emotionally tired
due to the fact that
I AM LOSING.

i honestly feel like i am losing the most important people in my life..

person number one.
i don`t want to share you. and yes, i understand that i am selfish. but if you are MINE, i am certainly not sharing you with some girl i don`t even know or care to know. i just want you to let her know that you HAVE a girlfriend, but if you don`t want her to know that, then i`ll just have to leave. you are my love of my life, and there is no way i am sharing you with some random. you don`t understand how much it hurts me whenever i see her name on your phone. when i see that you are text messaging, it hurts because i know that you can barely stand texting me anymore. i feel like i am being replaced. and the feeling kills me.

person number two.
i do not like him. he must be a nice guy, but i don`t see him in our family. i don`t like the fact that he is taking you away from us. you were cooped up in your room, and you kicked me out of it. and when you promised we would go out, that didn`t happen. even though you spent the whole morning and some afternoon with him, suddenly you were tired. couldnt go out with pun. i got angry, and didn`t stop walking. not talking to you, even as i walked out the door with my things. back to la.

people numbers three and four. and five and six. or how about all of my friends.
i feel like i`m losing you too ): not everyone, but some of the ones who have been there, and have suddenly disappeared. i`m not sure if it`s my fault, or yours, or no ones. is it that i`m annoying? or maybe you`re easily annoyed? or you might not know the whole story. i miss my friends. i didn`t intend on blowing you off. i was just so depressed that i wanted to talk to no one at all. i suppose my depression is to blame. i push everyone away because i can`t bear to talk about what just happened. and after a big argument, i just want to be left alone.. to be alone forever. or at least that`s how i feel at the time. and to other friend, where are you? who are you? so different. some things just annoy me. but we`ll overcome it.. i hope. at least we`re supposed to. because those are the true friends. the one`s that prevail no matter what.


i am emotionally tired.
from running away and running straight back when i shouldn`t.

i need this christmas break to be good.
oh please, Lord.