tired

i am emotionally tired
due to the fact that
I AM LOSING.

i honestly feel like i am losing the most important people in my life..

person number one.
i don`t want to share you. and yes, i understand that i am selfish. but if you are MINE, i am certainly not sharing you with some girl i don`t even know or care to know. i just want you to let her know that you HAVE a girlfriend, but if you don`t want her to know that, then i`ll just have to leave. you are my love of my life, and there is no way i am sharing you with some random. you don`t understand how much it hurts me whenever i see her name on your phone. when i see that you are text messaging, it hurts because i know that you can barely stand texting me anymore. i feel like i am being replaced. and the feeling kills me.

person number two.
i do not like him. he must be a nice guy, but i don`t see him in our family. i don`t like the fact that he is taking you away from us. you were cooped up in your room, and you kicked me out of it. and when you promised we would go out, that didn`t happen. even though you spent the whole morning and some afternoon with him, suddenly you were tired. couldnt go out with pun. i got angry, and didn`t stop walking. not talking to you, even as i walked out the door with my things. back to la.

people numbers three and four. and five and six. or how about all of my friends.
i feel like i`m losing you too ): not everyone, but some of the ones who have been there, and have suddenly disappeared. i`m not sure if it`s my fault, or yours, or no ones. is it that i`m annoying? or maybe you`re easily annoyed? or you might not know the whole story. i miss my friends. i didn`t intend on blowing you off. i was just so depressed that i wanted to talk to no one at all. i suppose my depression is to blame. i push everyone away because i can`t bear to talk about what just happened. and after a big argument, i just want to be left alone.. to be alone forever. or at least that`s how i feel at the time. and to other friend, where are you? who are you? so different. some things just annoy me. but we`ll overcome it.. i hope. at least we`re supposed to. because those are the true friends. the one`s that prevail no matter what.


i am emotionally tired.
from running away and running straight back when i shouldn`t.

i need this christmas break to be good.
oh please, Lord.