if every day from now on is gonna be like friday,
then i think i`ll be fine.
as long as i have my lovely girlfraans
and red velvet cake (: haha
it started out slightly slowww..
but the night ended reaaaally funny..
well jess and i thought so
SORRY CRYSTAL if you got annoyed ! haha
and today is cheryl`s beeday.
she didn`t havea great day last night ):
we didn`t even get to have her surprise dinner.
but i don`t blame anyone.
i just wish we coulda made it better for her.
but i think we did, a little bit.
we made her a b-e-a-utiful rainbow funfetti cake (:
and a balloon and a little funny asian boy bday card.
mm and then, as we arrived at michael`s house
something not so great happened..
so i`m praying for cheryl and her family.

uhmm but overall, those girls make me happy.
and i think, they`re really all i need.
and i totally would not mind spending valentine`s day with them (:
i can do this, i know i can.

"at first i was afraid, i was petrified.
kept thinkin` i could never live without you by my side.
but then i spent so many nights thinkin` how you did me wrong
and i grew strong, and i learned how to get along.."

i don`t want to get uppp

i could hardly sleep last night.
i was tossing and turning.
and i couldn`t stop thinking about him
and our relationship.
that it`s over because i can`t wait.
and i can`t have him tell me he loves me and kiss me
when after that he tells me that he still needs time.
he gave me so much false hope, and he lied.
that`s the thing that gets me every time.
a big fat lie.

i had a dream last night
i was looking through the scrap book he gave me
and the pages were all torn out
and i couldn`t find them at all.
that stupid alex girl was in my dream too.
she was sitting there watching.
maybe its my dream telling me that he`s moved and
and that it`s time for me to move on this time.
maybe he is talking to that dumb girl.
i wouldn`t doubt it.
they texted each other all the time
and she told him she had feelings for him.
guess he found himself a new love.

here`s to you

everything was going good.
but it only lasted a few days.
and i should have known.

and now i`m forced to forget what we had.
and i`m forced to not be your friend.
end of it.
even when i was so sick of trying, i kept going anyways.
but i can finally leave you alone now.
i want to give you what you want,
and apparently i`m not it.
i tried really hard, i swear i did.
i love you,
and i`m always going to love you.
no matter what.
that`s always been the case.
but i think it`s time for me to let you go now.
i don`t want you to end up hating me.

i can`t even breathe
this is so stupid.

i thought that my heart was done hurting by now.
but the pain is just as bad as it was a month ago.

i don`t think that you`re even hurting at all
and that`s what hurts the most.

you know, it was SO NICE that you used me while you could.
but now, it`s okay for you to just go back to ignoring me and pretending i don`t exist, right?
that`s really great, i love it, by the way.
i love being so important to you one day, and then non-existent the next.
but at least i got one day in, yeah?
i totally thought we would be okay again.
but when i asked you if we could ever still hang out
and then you said that you would think about it,
i should have known that you wouldn`t think about it at all.
UGHH, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN !
i should have known that whatever happened that night
wouldn`t matter to you at all the next day or the next day.
but i chose to believe that something would happen again.
why do i let myself be happy again and again only to be let down so many times?

ALSO !
you can`tttt believe that you totally lied to me.
you pretend that you don`t know how you lied to me,
but i KNOW that you did.
or maybe you just forgot that you did..
but it DOES NOT change the fact that you did it.

yghluijkogiulhigf ughh
i can`tttttt believe i was tricked again

WHAT THA HECKKK !
UGHHH

yesterday was a good day,
sometimes.
seeing you made my night.
actually, i think that it made my week.
i was so surprised that you actually drove down to see me.
especially since it was 130 in the morning, you crazy man !
i loved ALMOST every minute of it.
i missed you so so so much.
and i almost forgot how it felt to lay in bed with you.
to stare into your eyes while stroking your hair as i normally would.
once i started to tear up because i was happy you were there with me
and the second time, because i was sad that you weren`t really mine to keep.
that is for now, at least.
i was a bit disappointed, that after the cuddling and hugging and such,
you still told me that you needed "time."
i hate that word, because i`m the most impatient person on earth.
but hey, this was a start.
a pretty good one, i think.
minus the last part.
and before you left, you asked me to be strong
and told me not to cry.
i`m glad that we can be friends again.
glad that we can joke around.
and i can insult you with you knowing it (:

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
THANK YOU !
i really appreciated it.
you don`t even know.

i`m falling to pieces

eric yi said to cheryl today:
"guys lie to their friends and tell them they're not in love. they dont usually lie and tell them they are. that lie they save for the girls"

So today i realized that, since you`re just starting school, you might find some new girl.
Someone prettier, smarter, funnier,&everything i`m not.
&it really scares me.
Because i`m really not ready to lose you to someone or to even lose you at all.
Don`t get me wrong,i love that we`re friends again
&that we can even joke around a little bit again, but i really don`t want to share you.
"You`re mine, dude!"
That was my favorite part of the night, at jessica`s party, when you said that to me.
Because you still wanted me after the first time we broke up.
But now, i`m not so sure anymore.
Do you still want me ?
Would you still take me back ?
How pathetic do i sound right now ?
Let me take a break to wipe my tears.

I really started to miss you today.
But what`s new, right ?

I think you would like my current myspace song.
I feel like you would like it &the lyrics kinda really apply:

"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you,
&what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok"

"They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"

I wanna ask you how your first day was, but i don`t want to bother you ):
Wish you would text me first.
Cause i know i`m completely fine with you texting me,
(although fine is an understatement)
but i don`t know how you would feel if i texted you.

blog #2 of today

so today, while i was sitting in church,
i realized how much i miss you.
and i pictured seeing you again.
i think that if we were on good terms,
i would run to you and give you a big hug.
maybe even jump on you
i`m so gay, huh ?
i think that even if we`re on good terms when i see you,
i still might cry, but they would be the happy kind of tears.
ugh, i AM gay lol.
so, i came to the conclusion that
I REALLY EFFING MISS YOU.
but i`m not going to cry about it.
i`ll wait til that day when i see you comes.
"if it happens. it happens."
i can try to wait it out