Tuesday, September 30, 2008

under my rock

i`ll be under my rock.
i don`t want to talk to anyone.
i don`t want to get out of bed.
i don`t want to go anywhere.
i don`t want to do anything.
i don`t want to mess up..


"she was a smart girl, until she fell in love.."

the sex and the city movie was a good juan.
it was real cutesy
i loved/hated it.
loved it ! cause it was so darn effing cute.
hated ittt ! cause that shitty never happens -____-
FAWKKK ! i need to stop being bitter !

Monday, September 29, 2008


i hate this feeling ! like i`m the only one putting in ANY EFFORT ! it pisses me of. it makes me sooooo angry. i find myself angry alot lately. i don`t want to be, trust me. i don`t do it on purpose. what`s so wrong about expressing my feelings ? am i supposed to just keep it inside all the time ? that`s not healthy ! ): i just WISH everything was okay again ! why does everything have to be so difficult ?!

i`m not saying i`m a perfect little angel, but what have i done that was so wrong ? i don`t get it. i`m not a bad person. so why do i deserve this ? &then there are people who have done terrible things to others. &in the end, they end up happy. i don`t get it. i really don`t. i`m a pretty good girl. i listen to my parents. i clean. dod my work. i try to make everyone happy. it`s getting to be too much. &i never ever get anything in return. i mean.. i can be happy sometimes. but it only lasts for that moment. &when i`m by myself, i end up feeling miserable again. i think i`m one of those. i always need to have someone around. sometimes i wish i could have someone in my closet.. like my best friend.. &when i`m feeling blue, i could just hug them all day long. some days, all i need is a good hug. i miss that. i miss feeling loved. i want the past back..

Saturday, September 27, 2008

i can`t breath

i can`t remember being this angry EVER. hitting tables, kicking walls. i`m so angry AT MYSELF. i don`t know what to do. have you ever been so mad at someone, but then you realize you`re actually angry at yourself? well that`s EXACTLY how i feel. writing a blog about it seems dumb, but it relieves SO MUCH stress &anger. i feel like a BIG FUCKING IDIOT.

my heart really hurts right now. it hurts every time i look at you, because i don`t know if i really have you. i don`t know if you`re really mine. &it hurts SO MUCH because you have me. &there`s nothing i can do about it. sometimes i look at you.. while you don`t notice.. &my heart just hurts. i get the chills. i get scared. so many emotions run through my brain that i can`t even think. &tears start to fall down my eyes. but i wipe them away before anybody can even see them. i don`t feel like i`m anyone`s special someone anymore. but i wish you could PROVE ME WRONG..

you asked me if that`s what i wanted. that`s not what i want. i just want everything to be okay. i wish everything was the way it used to be. i want to go a day without fighting. everything can seem so perfect one moment, &the next is so terrible. remember last night? i wish i could have stayed in your arms forever. it felt so perfect. it felt like how it`s supposed to always be. i felt like a baby. i felt like YOUR baby. i remember when we used to always act that way. so lovey dovey. now it`s like it was just puppy love. but i`d do ANYTHING to get that back. i miss feeling like i`m worth the world to someone.

i guess heart ache really does exist..

Monday, September 22, 2008

barely hangin` on

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

that's such a good song. yeah yeah its a church song.. but i love my church songs (: that song is like.. the story of my life. haha but i have a lot of songs that are the story of my life.

so, when i`m home, i sould be happier right ? eh not so much. i don`t get it. this was supposed to make things better ): it`s not workinggg. what else is there left to do ? i get scared. all the time. but hey, at least i`m not being a big baby lately. i think i`m learning to hold that stuff in.
things NEVER work out the way i want it to.
&i`m starting to give up ):
when i know i shouldn`t.
i don`t want to. but i might have to.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

herro again, blogspot

i haven`t used this thanggg in.. forever.
i`ve deleted all my previous juans &i`m starting clean !

now i`m on break for 2 and a half more weeks..