i had two wonderful dreams

and in my dreams, you finally wanted me back. you held me tight. and then i woke up. this happened twice within my two hours of sleep. they seemed so real.
and from last night til my nap right now, altogether, i have had 3 dreams about you.
even when i want to leave you alone, because that is what you want, i can`t get you out of my head. you`re in my heart forever.

i cried my eyes out last night.
i`d never let anyone see my cry so hard until last night.
jayson held me tight. and he told me that he hated seeing me the way i was.
during debut practices, jayson saw.
and he knew. he could always tell.
and all of my friends asked me what was wrong.
because while all of them were happy and drunk, i was sober, but was still the one crying.
the security guard even gave me a towel to wipe my tears with.

i know that my writing isn`t perfect.
but i can`t seem to think right now.
i don`t care if my grammar or anything is incorrect.
i`m just so shaken up.

i`m leaving you alone now.
that was your wish.

erased from my memory
and i`m sure you`re going to forget everything about me.

everything hurts.

from worst to best

i woke up feeling shitty because i hardly got any sleep.
i get to digital imaging and continuously check my empty myspace &facebook. because i`m not popular lol.
thennnn ! dun dun dun ! i get my text message. not good news at all.
but i think it sort of made me feel better.
is it a bad thing that it made me smile ?
i smiled because then i knew you cared !
even though it was arguing again, i was glad that you were at least talking to me.
although i wasnt sure if you wanted to talk, or you wanted to be mad.

but then my day got better
because i got to work (:
my co-workers are quite funny.
i`m my boss`s favorite.
maddy and i ate chocolate (:
&james is just a weirdo !
hahaha loved it though.
we quoted anchor man together.
how much better can a day get ?
genuine smiles today (:
thank the lord
that honestly hasn`t happened in a while.

then i got a text from crystal (: which made me happy. then i talked to pei-pei on the phone, which made the day even better. i love my friends. when you`re down, you know that you`re friends are true when they just ask you how you`re doing. i love my friends.

1 week ago today

1 week ago today we were almost fine. i didn`t think that we would still be like this.. but i`m barely hanging on. i want to believe that we`ll be good again, but i don`t know anymore. it`s so hard to tell. i want to be with you so badly. but do you want to be with me ? all i could think of today was "what if he finds someone new?" what am i going to do ? i`m hurting so bad. even at work, everyone can tell. for my lunch break, i sat in the back room, sitting on a box, for half an hour, on the verge of tears. but i tried so hard not to cry so that my co-workers wouldn`t bust in &see me with tears in my eyes.

i can`t even express myself properly. my thoughts are all jumbled. i`m angry at you, bitter, jealous, hurt, and broken. but still, i want to be with you.

i don`t know what to do anymore. with anything.
i wish i could curl up in a ball and stay there forever.
or at least until all of the bad stuff is behind us.

i`m selfish. i only think about myself. at least that`s what he says.
i`ll admit, i am selfish. because i only want you to be with me. but i suppose at some point i have to let go. no matter how much it`ll hurt.

FML

well all i really wanna do is love you

but clearly that's almost impossible. what`s wrong with us ? this was neverrr planned. what happened to "forever and ever babe?" lame, but it was true for us. what happened to cutest couple ? what happened to holding onto eachother ? i guess it was partially my fault. for not being enough. for not being worth trying. for getting angry that while you have your friends, i have none from where i am. that while you can make late night drives to friends` houses, i don`t have my license, nor a car. not to mention i live nearly one hour away.

but i won`t be bitter anymore.

i`ll just be sorry. sorry we couldn`t make it work the way it was supposed to. i just wish that LA never had to happen. i wonder if i moved back, would everything be okay again ? would it make a difference ? would it stop us from fighting every night ? i guess the reason i fight with you is because you`re not here with me. i get angry at the fact that you`re so far away. i get jealous of you. because you have your friends, and now you even have my friends. i wish that i was you. when some people just want to get away from home, i would give anything to get that back. i would give anything to be at home with mom, kees, ate, AND CHIRPO. i feel so bad for my poor puppy. but anyways, i would give anything just to spend almost every day with you again.

on halloween night, when we did nothing togeter, i had no problem with that at all. just as long as i`m with you, i`m satisfied. i would much rather be doing a bunch of nothing with you than get drunk, or smoke, or party at all. i just like to lay with you in bed. just look at you. even while you snore. i`d give anything to have that almost every day again. i`d give anything to feel worth your time.

i doubt i`m making any sense to you, but in my mind, i make a whole lot of sense.

i feel so tired, but i don`t want to sleep. i know i have to wake up early tomorrow and i have a speech to make in front of the class (which i have not finished) but i can`t help but to stay up. to see if you call or text back. or if you change something small on your myspace. facebook. anything. any sign that shows you`re still awake and thinking too. maybe you`re as pathetic as i am right now. but maybe you`re just asleep. dreaming all of your troubles away.