Thursday, April 30, 2009

you'll see

i'll show you how strong i can be.
because i am capable, you know.
let go for love.

horoscope says:
Trying to force things into place will only cause them to break apart. You're better off letting good energy come your way. When you let go of your need to control the outcome, all sorts of wonderful possibilities become available.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


then all at once,
you have to say goodbye

today i got a bruise from hitting my shin on that stupid cart.
stupid things has orange metal sticking out of it's sides.
got another paper cut from breaking a dumb box.
nearly broke another finger nail opening up the box of function water.
i'm accident prone now.
as long as it's not super serious it's okay..
but on a more serious note..
my heart hurts.. literally.
i get random sharp pains in my chest.
it couldn't even move the first time i got it while i was in bed.
it felt like a bullet shot me in the heart and came out through my back.
these sharp pains won't seem to leave.
thankfully, im going to my doctor on friday.
we'll see what happens.

why is it that i can get all the guys i dont wants ?
i am "dick repellent" with the juans i want.
haha thanks, justin !

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


"i wish i were free
from this pain in me"

Monday, April 27, 2009

this is what i think

so i think im going to stop drinking and stop smoking. i wanna change. and im going to. everything needs to change. things in life will inevitably change, so why not go along with it? it's hard to come to any decision, but i'll wait it out a little bit and see how things go. im going to be a better, stronger person. sometimes you learn to let go. sometimes after fighting your very hardest there's nothing you can do but wait. you learn to understand. at some point, you grow immune to the pain.

wish me luck

Sunday, April 26, 2009

last nightt

i woke up this morning,
and remembered why i don't like to drink often.
ohnoooo lol
jordan loyo, that was a horrid game !
and good job delegating last night, dr. gallegos.
good 6am talk, ricky.
but ohmygosh i am tired.
siiigh, disappointment.

i collect
2 faves.

"you're a hard nut to crack, but once you let someone in, you refuse to let them go. no wonder you're struggling so much with old issues right now. if someone from the past is haunting you, work it out immediately. you don't need this drain on your faculties."

Saturday, April 25, 2009


last night was VERY interesting.
lol it was sorta funny.
we watched from our nice little view.

today should be a
 good juan,
update more later.

ugh kaefhkaufh
you can be such a freaking douche bag sometimes !
and you go oscar the freaking grouch on me.
first i get kicked out of my non-existent room,
and now this.
just perfect.
thanks alot, FRIEND.
some friend.
i am so frustrated now ):
no matter who you try to help or how hard you try,
everything backfires.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i want a pup

i really wish i had a puppy.
he would be my best friend and my boyfriend.
he would cuddle with me all day long and not get irritated.
he would love me and i would love him.
i think he would be good for me.
i'd be almost happy and normal again.

but my parents say no ):

confusion ?

real life makes me nervous.
it's scary.

i'm a little bit confused.
with everyone and everything.
it's hard to decipher between what relationships are real and unreal
and who will really be there for you.
(and im not just talking about the special someone kind)
it's hard to tell whether someone wants you
for always, or just for the moment.
i wish i were a fictional character in a romance novel.
it would be complicated, i know..
but in the end, i would be okay.
but for now, in real life, i don't know that ill be okay.
i wanna fall hopelessly and utterly in love again.
i wanna be head over heals for someone who feels the same about me.
it hurts to know that i had it, and it just disappeared.
it's hard to find someone when you're looking for THE ONE.
i know i'm young, but i want something special.
i don't want to mess around with boys and stuff.
i want THE BOY.
but we all know that won't happen ha.
ohwell, i guess ill stick to dreaming.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

you know

pretty good lately.
im kinda glad i didnt have to go back to work this week.
it's been pretty interesting (:
sort of weird

and i thought today would be a better day.
but you know how my life goes.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

my yesterday

woke up and went to lunch with gurvy.
justine bailed, but it's okay mama.
i hope you're feeling better !
we got some quiznos and robeks.
had cute little convos.
got stuck in the heat for about 20 minutes or more ?
haha it was okay though, i didnt mind.
it's time we buy gurvy a new car though !
i still had a nice time with her (:

i liked the beach
i thought it was fun.
aside from the fact that it was blazing !
it was even hot on the car ride there !.. in the car haha
the water was cold, but i managed to squidge my toes in it for a while.
then bonfire time came.
i was quite quiet.
but i enjoy listening to everyone.
sneaking into walnut high school to po-tay-toe launch was a fail.
because it wasn't even working.
but it was a cute little adventure.
i haven't been to walnut siiince.. last summer ?!
to get my transcripts i think. maybe.
i like jumping on matty (:
and making fun of rick.
laughing at marcel's jokes.
joseph's packed car
jordan being scared of my fists
and a lot of other stuff i have trouble remembering.

oh. but i don't like people who talk shit all day long.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

i need a friend

why the eff do i do this to myself all day long?
just a big disappointment.
im a big disappointment and everything else just
disappoints me.

la;iwjdl;ilj im just really frustrated right now.
im suppressing my tears.
lefjlfj cant breathe.

i miss real good friend time.
i miss having someone to talk to no matter what time it is.
i miss being cared about.
i miss my old house.
i miss the old days.

i hate not having my own room.
i hate not sleeping in my own bed.
i hate asking people for rides.
i hate not having my own cars.
i hate that i couldnt go back to la just so i could pick up a few things.
i hate gaining weight and looking ugly.
i hate how nobody knows how i feel.
i hate being left out.
i hate feeling a lone.
i hate feeling broken


i just want one.
this is dumbb.

anywho, today was pretty funny.
i missed my friends.

last night, cheryl and i were talking.
we could all be with someone right now,
if we weren't so picky and we looked passed looks.
in some cases, we could be with someone right now
if we weren't so stuck on what we once had.
i'm not trying to be cocky or anything,
but i am capable of having someone.
but the thing is i don't want someone.
i want THE ONE.
stupid, huh ?

elifjaljf disappointment again.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

knock you down

i don't know why i let you affect my life this way.
but it's time to be stronger now.
i want to be over hurting.
and as much as i love you, i can't hold onto something i'll never get.
i'll be stronger this time.

anyways, listening to "bella's song" from twilight is very soothing.
i wish i could upload my freaking pictures from last night.
i had a lots of fun.
i need to get out of this bed -__-
i hope we do something good today !
my horoscope sounds like it'll be a good juan.
my thoughts are kinda just all over the place right now.

my horoscope was right

what a good day.
bowling with them ayala boys was pretty cute.
girls vs. boys !
i think we kicked they're butts (:
kinda sometimes !
woohoo team carmelacherylkeespunvanna !
i had a juanderful time with my girlfraans and those silly boys.
but im not in LA yet so i cant upload.
and it's 1:15am and so i will sleep now.
more update in the morn !

Friday, April 17, 2009

the weirdest dream i've had in a while

so we were all hanging out.
me, cheryl, matty, alex, rick, marcel, joseph, and jordan.
we were in a car together ?!
we were going to all kinds of places, im not even sure where exactly.
then we found this place with a bunch of drag queens ?!
then, for some reason, i got sad and left.
i ran away to some lady's house..
she knew me but i couldn't remember who she was
jordan followed, and for some reason we were back together ?!
and then next thing you know, we're engaged ?! hahaha
and then everyone shows up to my house
and my mom tells everyone that we are getting married.
but i got upset because we were just gonna be engaged for a long time before getting married.
so everyone was outraged, especially ricky for some reason haha.
AND THEN all of a sudden i'm working at the cafe in FIDM !
i was all by myself during the rush and i was effing up !
but it was weird because all of the customers were people i knew !
i feel like the whole world was included in my dream.
it was just a freaking weirrrrrrrd dream ! haha

i like my horoscope today
it sounds quite positive:
to keep your attitude right, join in with whatever is going on in the social scene.
look ahead a few months or years and figure out a plan to get there happily. you are at your best today when you are drawing up schemes for the future instead of acting on them right now.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

boring, sorry.

erased my previous post.

): ): ):

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

my very accurate horoscope

"your smiles have no meaing,
laughter has no sound,
and heart forgets to beat
as you miss the company"

i miss my friend.
i want to talk to him.
maybe that's a bad idea.
but arguing is not what i like to do.

i was a very happy girl today at work.
hello, raise.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

normal day in LA

worked an 8 hour shift,
walked to my bus stop,
had a weirdie sit next to me on the bus
(he had a PIGEON in his bag and asked him if he wanted to see a pretty lady.. aka me. this was the first time i was not flattered from being called pretty),
walked the rest of the way home,
read eclipse and finished it,
i-chatted wiff cheryl,
sat in bed listening to music, pondering.
which now brings me to blogging.

"i'll always be waiting in the wings, bella."
just freaking get over it already, pun.

Monday, April 13, 2009

what's wrong with me ?

this morning, i woke up to a sharp pain around my chest area.
it felt like a bullet went through me
because the pain was also directly behind my aching chest area
leading to my back.
i couldn't really breathe and was aching for a few minutes.
then a fell asleep again.

sunday morning i yawned
and then got a cramp in my neck.
it was horrid.

today i cut my hands twice,
burnt myself with hot water twice,
and broke my freaking nail -__-
that's what i call a hard day's work ! haha
it was alright, i was a trooper through it all.
im used to getting random cuts on my hands from work.
it sucks, but ill survive !
also, i have a big pimple stress pimple on my forehead !
and it wont leave because i forgot to put pimple stuff on it last night.
or i was just to immersed in my book (:
and now i am finally home, sitting on the floor in my white tee (:
i was on the phone last night until 2am.
i have a lot of things that i need to deal with.
a lot of things that i just need to forget.
life isn't fair, and i know that.
but i keep asking myself why.
i want to know why life is unfair.
i want to know how you got over it so quickly,
so that i can finally do the same.
i want to know how long it will take me to be happy again.
i want to know if i will ever TRULY be happy again.
i don't know..
i'd just like to know a lot of things.

i hate that despite how much i dislike you right now,
i'd still like to hear the sound of your voice ):

Sunday, April 12, 2009


my mom said that this morning, while i was sleeping,
i let out a loud cry, like i was scared.
i couldn't remember having any nightmares.
but i could remember him being in my dream.
and that is all.

easter was good.
finally saw my familia after a while.
the WHOLE family.
the cousins were finally complete.
all 7 girls and 1 boy were present.
it was nice.

now i'm back in LA.
back to reading eclipse.
nothang special.
or i just don't want to talk about it.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

im quite content

daily horoscope:
"accept things the way they are--instead of wasting time complaining about them"

"sometimes i think some of the things you say
you get from a book or something"
hahaha last night i hung out with 2 of my favorite boys (:
these two are capable of making me the happiest girl on earth sometimes.
stayed up talking until a little past 3am, which is always fun.

i think i've made up my mind,
and im really gonna try hard this time.
because i am so sick of wanting you back,
and then hating your guts.
and then wanting you back again..
and then hating your guts again !
i never know what i want -___-

today should be a good day, i hope !

also, rip, jon.
i know that today is that day.
i hardly knew you,
but from all of these things i've read and seen,
you seemed like such a wonderful and lively person.
your friends love you and miss you, which im sure you know.
please have a nice time up there !

Friday, April 10, 2009


i don't like

there are so many questions in my head that go unanswered.
and im just too scared to ask.
i am too scared of both
 what the answer might be,
and scared to make you angry from my
 "no question is a dumb question" questions.
even though i'm pretty sure i know what the answers will be,
i'm still curious to know the REAL answers.
in my head, i have the RIGHT answers..
i know what i WANT to hear.
but will that really be what i get out of it?
maybe i need to stop being such a curious george.

maybe we would never work out again
because you are such a JERK
fuhhh -___-

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

showed up to work 2 hours early

and now i am bored -___-
but here's my horoscope !
or part of it at least:
You need to deal with someone who's trying to push you to the side, but they aren't counting on your stubbornness. It's not that hard to hold on and then to push back when they're off-balance.

but no -__-
jeffrey toldme i had work at 8, when i have work at 10.
im wasting precious time here, dangett !
but im pretty angry with edward cullen.
how could he just LEAVE bella.. just like that ?
this story sounds familiar..

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

interesting (:

Capricorn horoscope:
You get a chance to initiate a conversation with a cutie you want to know better.

its the best possible time for you to take on a new project-- at work, at home, or for fun. you may not feel quite in the groove yet, but the adjustment period shouldn't take long.

it's sorta funny how sometimes
these things can be surprisingly accurate (:

Monday, April 6, 2009


First day back in LA
woke up at 730 in the morn to be at work by 8.
had a nice long 8 hour shift with carla, athur, and justin.
ohhh boy, do they make me laugh sometimes (:
so my way back home was pretty interesting.
i was walking to my bus stop, and as i was walking,
a teenage boy on his bike said to me "you're beautiful."
haha and it wasn't creepy at all !
it sounded so sincere, which made my day because i knew that, really, i looked like crap.
i didn't fix my hair, and my bangs were up cause they were messed when i awoke haha.
one comment from someone can really make your day no matter how small.
so anyways, as i was sitting on the bus, an old filpino man walks on.
he sits across from me, and the first thing i notice is that he's wearing incredibly short shorts !
haha the second thing i noticed was that he had a small tattoo of an octopus on his thigh !
it made me giggle, and i tried to take a picture,
but my camera phone wasn't good enough.
also, on the bus was some mean middle-aged man.
he was trying to move to the back of the bus.
the man he was trying to pass was on the phone at the time
so the middle-aged guy got angry and kept telling him to move away.
the guy on the phone said "i was talking on the phone" meaning he didn't hear the other guy when he asked him to move.
the middle-aged guy was so rude that he kept telling him to "get off the fucking phone."
and even when the guy on the phone kept quiet out of courtesy, the other man kept on cussing.
it surprises me how rude people can be even to those who mind their own business.
i wish that everyone would just get along, but that's quote impossible, sadly.

so i realized, that i REALLY REALLY need to move on.
i can find someone who cares about me just as much as i care for them.
even though i still love you know who, i can't wait forever.
and im pretty sure that nothing will happen again anyways, the way i see it.
so i think i may start searchin again.
im not saying im gonna trust any guy again, but i should be happy again.
i'd like to have the butterflies in my tummy all over again.
and i would like to be a special someone again.
it's kind of exciting, but im kind of nervous.
and knowing me, by tonight i might even change my mind.
i'm indecisive that way.

today's horoscope !:


Watch yourself in flirtatious situations. Make sure not to take them too seriously.


You're feeling quite stable today and much more ready for whatever may be coming. In fact, it's easier than ever for you to profit from the small stuff that is popping up all around you.


"don't you see?

That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if i can do it"--

he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought

-- "if leaving is the right thing to do,

then i'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you,

to keep you safe."

Sunday, April 5, 2009



The time is right to get active -- if you are having any doubts, just ignore them.


A message comes from out of town -- or from someone you haven't met yet -- that is equal parts intriguing and exciting. Your great energy helps you really connect with this person.

Daily Flirt:

Get your ex to pick up the phone this time -- or, if that's too creepy, just find a way to reach out to that one friend of yours who's distant and mostly offline You may even write a real letter!

Daily Singles:

Who says history can't repeat itself? If it didn't work out the first time, try it again. Dust off that old black book and call up someone who got away, if it's appropriate. Whatever the problem was initially -- timing or an ex -- has since been resolved.

finally, once again, i blog.

i haven't blogged in 4 days.
the is a record for me !
i guess my spring break has been slightly busy.
or busy enough to keep me from blogging.
i usually blog late at night, but lately i've been getting home around 3am.
for some reason, right now, i find it hard to express my feelings.
i don't know what to say as to how i'm feeling..
or maybe i just don't know how i'm feeling at all.
i've got friends slightly back in order, 
but i still feel a little bit out of place sometimes.
family is going okay for now.
and as for that other topic, well.. it's complicated.
as usual.
i guess there's a part of me that now refuses to talk about IT.
it's good in a way, but i wish that i could fully express myself without receiving negative feedback.

in response to a part of joseph's blog:
people DO get coach, louis vuitton, juicy, etc just to feel good.
it "makes them feel better about themselves"
so what's wrong with that ?
maybe they are having an off day.
maybe they need something to comfort them.
not just words of wisdom, but something to touch and feel..
something they can be proud of buying.
dono, it's just me.
there are some people out there who get these luxury things just for kicks,
but other people have their reasons.
it's not always just for show.
p.s. don't hate me, tinanana (:
that part of your blog just caught my attention.

i've decided to go back to LA tonight.
for some reason, i feel like i get worse and worse when im here.
it's not exactly good for me.
LA will give me time to get away.
there, i have 0 distractions.

p.s. i bought the first two twilight books
and finally saw the movie.
eff, im turning into jess ad crystal ! haha (:
i just couldn't help it.
if you watch the movie, you will understand !
and to better understand the movie, i bought the books !
i wanna know the juicy details that weren't part of the movie.
edward cullen just makes me want to find a man like him.
i'm NOT just saying i'm in love with his face,
but his character is so beautiful.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


i cold tear drop fell from my eye.
that's never happened before !
i was watching our graduating video.
ughh, why couldnt it last forever ?

you know, maybe i hang out with his friends
because they were my friends too !
maybe i want to hang out with them
because i live in LA and hardly see anyone.
i don't do it just to find my way to him.
if anything, i want to get away from him.
but everyone sees it as me trying to hang out with them
just so i can see him.
well open up your eyes,
and realize that they were my friends the whole senior year.
i dropped my own friends to hang out with his
because he didn't like hanging out with mine too much.
i don't know what to think of everyone.
oijefosgjl these are hard times.
i wanna fast forward.


jessica robles !
i miss you !
i haven't seen that girl in years,
and im really starting to miss her ! ):
haha but i hopppe i see her soon.

but other than that !
i am doing just okay.
im giving myself a break from you know who.
im putting myself on a time out, i guess.
i have to learn how to discipline myself.
im not really sure how im feeling right now.
it makes me sad when on TV i see people getting back together,
or when i see couples striving to be together.
when a guy fights for the love of his life,
it makes me want to go out and find someone like that for me.
just to make sure it really does exist.
or when a guy just gives up,
i wanna knock some sense into people like that.
the kind who give up.

anywho, yesterday was such a good day butttt..
yesterday we talked and ate allllll day long ! haha
it was cute, but not good for my tummy !
it was a cutesy day with cheryl, kees, lauren, and crystal.
guppy's for lunch date, back to crystals, then to coldstones/robeks, back to crystals again to make pasta and brownies while brian and "mr. dionisio" came over, and then watched GG (:

daily horoscope:


You'll get closer to your goal today, but don't start cheering until you are there.


You need to make a change -- and it's not easy. The good news is that your personal energy is all focused and directed toward making the most of your life and creating positive outcomes!