and so i`m pretty lost.
i should be more depressed.
but it hasn`t really hit me yet.
but i can feel myself sinking lower and lower.
soon i`ll hit rock bottom.

i can`t believe
just like that,
it was over.

just like that,

it was over.

so my beeday wasn`t so bad. it was pretty alright. except for the night before. there was a little rough patch. but it's alright, cause i go through life like the karate kid (: haha. let`s see. on the 24th, i went to breakfast at millie`s with mom, kees, and ate. then, did a whole bunch of gift wrapping. i must say, i`m pretty dang good (: that night, went over to the cousin`s in long beach for our christmas eve/my beeday party. that was cute. rode with jordan, and fell asleep during the car ride. when do i not fall asleep? (: then he left early, and i enjoyed quality time the my familia. got $500 for birffday and christmas. not so bad. i think i`ll put it toward my mac fund ! ohh i am so excited for one (: i`ve wanted a mac ever since we worked with them in VPC. 

HENNYWAYS, i dropped $170 today. "WHY?!" you might ask. because i got my tattoo (: and i also bought cheryl`s! pretty good deal. we went to "NICE GUY TATTOOS." they`re real tight. they really were nice guys ! so my tattoo is still sore. and red. so it`s not as pretty as it will be in a couple weeks. but i am SO SO SO excited for it (: woohoooo. i finally got it.

tomorrow will be a scary day. pray for me. and wish me luck, please!

punk bitches

oooooh, i want so badly to punch you right now. stupid girls. who like to homewreck. well whatever. it doesn`t matter, because he CHOSE me. that`s what i`m supposed to keep telling myself. i`m trying sooo hard to believe myself and to remind myself that. and seiously, i go numb when i think of you or see you.
you don`t tell someone that you like them when that someone ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. ughh. seriously, go away little girl.
( like i`m not little, right ? (: haha )

i win.
even though it`s not about winning.

i ain`t a punk bitch

i don`t give a fuhhhh !

i have a gut feeling that this birthday is going to be terrible. 8 more days. and i don`t know what to expect. i have my birthday wish all set up, and i really hope that it comes true. but who knows if it really will. i can remember this time last year. everything was so perfect. we were so happy. i was surrounded by friends and family who love me. not that i don`t have friends who love me now, but everyone is so distant. especially the person i was closest to. but i hope to god that everything will be okay asap !

the highlight of my day was finding $5 on the floor, and that`s sad.
but i guess talking to jess and crystal and mystery person made it a little better.
today wasn`t complete.
i feel so incomplete. and so hurt.
but i`m trying to leave it up to that one person to fix.
i honestly feel that i have tried my hardest.
and there is nothing else i can do but wait.

trying to be strong is difficult.
i just WISH i mattered to you again !

i quite like the weather.

tired

i am emotionally tired
due to the fact that
I AM LOSING.

i honestly feel like i am losing the most important people in my life..

person number one.
i don`t want to share you. and yes, i understand that i am selfish. but if you are MINE, i am certainly not sharing you with some girl i don`t even know or care to know. i just want you to let her know that you HAVE a girlfriend, but if you don`t want her to know that, then i`ll just have to leave. you are my love of my life, and there is no way i am sharing you with some random. you don`t understand how much it hurts me whenever i see her name on your phone. when i see that you are text messaging, it hurts because i know that you can barely stand texting me anymore. i feel like i am being replaced. and the feeling kills me.

person number two.
i do not like him. he must be a nice guy, but i don`t see him in our family. i don`t like the fact that he is taking you away from us. you were cooped up in your room, and you kicked me out of it. and when you promised we would go out, that didn`t happen. even though you spent the whole morning and some afternoon with him, suddenly you were tired. couldnt go out with pun. i got angry, and didn`t stop walking. not talking to you, even as i walked out the door with my things. back to la.

people numbers three and four. and five and six. or how about all of my friends.
i feel like i`m losing you too ): not everyone, but some of the ones who have been there, and have suddenly disappeared. i`m not sure if it`s my fault, or yours, or no ones. is it that i`m annoying? or maybe you`re easily annoyed? or you might not know the whole story. i miss my friends. i didn`t intend on blowing you off. i was just so depressed that i wanted to talk to no one at all. i suppose my depression is to blame. i push everyone away because i can`t bear to talk about what just happened. and after a big argument, i just want to be left alone.. to be alone forever. or at least that`s how i feel at the time. and to other friend, where are you? who are you? so different. some things just annoy me. but we`ll overcome it.. i hope. at least we`re supposed to. because those are the true friends. the one`s that prevail no matter what.


i am emotionally tired.
from running away and running straight back when i shouldn`t.

i need this christmas break to be good.
oh please, Lord.

i already know that it is going to be SO DIFFICULT leaving you alone. but if it's what you want, i will try my hardest to respect that.

i will always love you
with all of my heart
with everything in me
you have been the most important part of my life since the day i met you.

everything hurts. i feel so empty inside. im so shaken up. and just when i thought the crying was over, i was caught off guard. and today has been the worst day in a week. i dont understand what i did wrong. all i wanted to do, for this whole week, was to see you. and i cant help but to cry and hurt when i find out that you would much rather hang out with your friends that you see almost every night than be with me. silly me. i thought that i was important to you. but i'm just another irritation to you. and you want me out of your life. and when you said that, i stopped fighting back. i fell speechless. and my heart dropped down to the floor. but im respecting your wish. and i know that it will be near impossible, but im doing it for you. i love you, i promise.

you are the love of my life.
you have affected my life so enormously and you will ALWAYS have my heart. i dont ever want it back. and if you ever decide that you still love me too, i will be here. no matter what happens. i dont ever want to leave you. so i will wait. no matter how long, no matter how much it hurts. i dont know or care how many times i say it, but i love you jordan. nothing about that statement will EVER change.

im broken.

sleepless

these are the things i wish i could tell you:
every time i text you, i wonder if you would have texted me first if i didnt.
every time i ask you to call, i wonder if you would automatically do it if i didnt ask you to.
i hate how i stayed up tonight until 1am just to hear your voice when you couldnt even
stand to talk to me for more than just 3 minutes.
i stay awake until 12 almost every single night just to hear your voice and to say goodnight,
but you hate it.
you know that i cant go to sleep without you, but you still try to get away without talking to me.
i wish you would just be there for me sometimes..
and you would let me be there for you instead of pushing me away.

so here`s to another sleepless night.

hurt

sometimes, like now, i can`t even breath. i`m all cried out. and i didn`t think that would be possible anymore.

you don`t know how i feel.
you don`t get it
you don`t understand
you put me through so much shit.
and still, i mean nothing to you.

you can`t just answer your phone, to talk to me for two seconds, to tell me that you`re okay. you can`t just tell me that you`re busy and that you`ll talk to me later ? why do i have to try so hard just to get ONE sentence out of you? it shouldn`t be that way.

but i`ve come to realize,
maybe we`re not ready yet. maybe we`re not supposed to be together right now. i HATE to even think of that. i don`t want anyone else. but i don`t want to cry anymore. and i don`t want to drag you down. you seriously mean THE WORLD to me. but it feels like we can`t be together right now. but i honestly think that we`re not meant to be. at least for now. i`m not going to lie, you acted so immature. but how old are we? how long have we been together? so why is it so hard for you to be my boyfriend?

i told you.
i don`t understand you.

trust me.
i want to be with you.
but i don`t want to cry anymore.