lots has gone on since the last blog.

too much has gone on, that i can't really remember.

some days are good, and some are bad.

things are slowly getting better,

and I`M slowly getting better

although i still wish things were the way they used to be.

i got my DLAND pass last night,

and went to lauren's house (:

which was awkward for everyone at first,

but things improved, thank goodness.

i figured out that i`m taking the next quarter off

so once i`m done after these three weeks,

i`m off for about 16 weeks.

good right? but i need to find a new job.

unless i wanna stay in LA :/

i don't wanna, but we'll see.

my parents gave away my dog this morning,

without telling me to come back home.

i didn't even get to say goodbye,

and when i realized he was gone this morning,

i cried about it ):

i love you, puppy !

and i miss you !

i hope he has a nicer home with new owners.

and even though he isn't ours anymore,

i'd rather have him that way than ignored at the pound ):

some feelings returned last night for a bit,

but i cant let things get to me.

can't give myself any false hope.

it was nice though.

and i think i found myself a new pong partner

mmmmmaybe

just like his fave quote for the night,

"life is rough"

eifsild;'p ofrpeo prcms

eif dfia;o ;oifwe [

we;ijeoigpi'pisfpoio ;t

erkfij ijfoecmpo joiev

eeirjg ;jg;oeru toerj;oergf

hurts

i was doing

PERFECTLY FINE.

i'm pretty tired of rich snobby girls at FIDM

who think that they don't need manners.

i'm sick of hearing advice that isn't true,

or that won't ever work.

i appreciate it, but just don't.

i'm so over this stupid hair dying war.

i wanted dark hair, so i did it.

get over it. it's mine and i'll do what i want with it.

i'm tired of the fact that the only way people know the difference between kees and i are our hair colors.

if you were our true friends,

you would be able to tell who is who

without relying on who the blonde one is and who the brunette is.

i'm really tired of them telling me to eat.

because I DO EAT.

but there is one thing that i still can't get over or forget.

got it from the newspaper today:

love is...

what lies ahead.

she's lucky

ohhhhhhh, i really really wonder.

and i hate that i wonder ):

but i'll take what i can get, and i know that the best i can get is something like a mutual friendship.

i'm okay though, cause it's a lot better than nothing.

i missed you terribly,

but friday was nice.

reality is hitting me in the head,

and i know i should get back to it instead of daydreaming all day long.

i recently realized that i'm kind of a huge day dreamer :/

it's good, but not good for me.

i need to realize that nothing will happen,

i need to stop getting my hopes up,

i need to stop believing that for some odd reason,

you will want to come back.

i know i sound like a crazy, so i'll stop.

don't screw up the best thing in your life

just because you're a little bit unsure of who you are.

I WOULD WRITE A BLOG AND THEN ACCIDENTALLY DELETE IT 

-__________-

oh fml, hahaha

anyways !

THURSDAY:

my dad picked me up an hour late from school..

tipsy...

haha i thought it was kinda funny.

and then once i got back to walnut,

immediately went to get molca salsa with pei pei, eric yi, and james !

ohhhh james, you're kinda a crazy !

then slept over at pei pei's house where we didn't sleep til 5am.

we had goooood talks.

FRIDAY:

mattyboo wakes me up at 1 -____-

got ready for a little at cheryl's

got ready some more at my house.

and then left for mattyboo's house !

met up with everyone there, and then left for the DB oak tree lanes,

which is our new tradition ((((((:

i'm so gay and i love it when my friends all get together again.

of course i played two more sucky games, but it doesn't matter (:

and after bowling, we all went back to rick's house to,

of course, play some pong.

haha cheryl and i got one game -___-

where crystal and rick killed us,

but no fair they're both real good and kept making the same cups !

haha it was funny though (:

left to eat at guppy's with mattyboo, pei pei, crystal, lauren, and jordan.

food is always good though, so i don't haf to elaborate in that (:

went BACK to rick's where i played really good pong ! ):

but no one was there to see it.

what a fail -____-

walmart again, but with mattyboo and pei pei this time.

got back home at 5AM.

i'm pretty dead right now -____-

overall, i had a good two days.

today should be another juan (:

took the bus this morning,

and i swear one of the guys next to me smelled like weeeeed !

it was either the cholo lookin' guy on my right,

or the little old man on my left.

got to work, and people liked my hairs (:

i got a "you look so seductive" and that was pretty cool.

even people i didn't know complimented my hair.

they're people who have been to the cafe and seen me.

other interesting things of the day:

a lady who was with her daughter gave me a tip and insisted that i take it, and when i tried to give it back to her she said:

"it's okay, we're canadian!"

haha she was so nice (:

she told me to put it in my pocket and keep it for myself

since we don't have a tip jar in the cafe.

also, a girl came into the cafe today.

she was walking around barefoot -____-

i don't know whyyyy.

but if that's what makes her happy, then good for her !

ran into some odd people today, but it was a good day (:

why would i want a bland day anyways ?!

life experiences, life experiences.

i wanna blog,

but i have so much homework to do.

BUT I'LL BLOG ANYWAYS ! haha

mm yesterday, me and the girls dyed our hairs (:

i'm pretty satisfied with mine.

its DARK purple-ish red !

NO BLONDE AT ALL !

its so weird, getting used to.

but i really needed a change.

i felt like i really had to do it.

had a big argument last night, and cried my eyes out.

also got a hate text message, and called her back

she didnt even answer. 

own up to your actions, yeah ?

p.s. we were BOTH born with dark hair.

there's no reason i can't go back to it

mm after that, i sat in the closet, and had a good convo.

thanks alot, REALLY.

it meant alot to me.

the best part of me was you.

it's hard to accept the fact that it won't happen,

but i'm beginning to be okay with it all.

i become a little bit more understanding every day.

i'm really quite proud of myself.

i now know who i CAN and CAN'T trust.

i am changed

yesterday was a good juan.

GOOD PLANNING, MATTYBOO.

teamwork, ohh fer suuuure (:

bowling was fun, denny's was fun,

my whole weekend was fun (:

i didn't even plan on coming down to walnut

cause i thought i'd just be miserable seeing all the couples.

but it wasn't like that AT ALL.

felt a little down every now and then,

but i had everyone around me to pick me back up again.

mm i would talk about something.

but i know i shouldn't, so nevermind !

update maybe later.

my vday

(:

k so i was too tired to actually talk about it last night.

it was a very fun-filled vday, unlike what i expected (:

i was going to stay in LA, but then my dad asked me if i wanted to go to

old town pasadena with him, megan, and her papa.

also changed my mind, and decided i would go back to walnut.

totally spent $150 at forever.

and bought a case for my macbook 

at the apple store and the container store.

LOVES IT.

back to walnut with megan.

hung out with pei-pei for a bit

mattyboo, tinanana, and ivan.

watched "because he's not that into you"

HAHAHA, JOSEPH.

went back to joseph's kinda

watched mattyboo and ivan attempt to fly a kite.

ivan got yelled at by mattyboo for doing nothing HAHAHA

and watched mattyboo do yoyo tricks.

drove around, talked alot,

and hung out til 5AM

joseph must be tired (:

have fun at your chick fil a rally thingy !

luhfauhd bahaha (:

today is valentine's day ?

nahh (:

its just like any other day.

totally just got up maybe half an hour ago.

i must be the laziest person in the world today.

i'm craving moca salsa.

maybe figure out a way to get there later

k update more later, when the day is done.

but for now, today is not as bad as i thought it would be (:

it started out quite nice (:

it's really over, isn't it?

at least i can say that 

i cried my hardest,

fought my hardest,

and tried my hardest.

i really thought that eventually, we could be okay again.

but i'm a stupid girl :/

i don't think that there's really anything i can do now

but hope and pray that one day everything will be fine.

can you believe i even thought we could be friends?

but now i see why people can't do it.

i can't be friends with you without wanting to be with you.

sorry, i'm retarded and i thought i could do it.

i'm staying in LA this weekend.

vday isn't my thing, guys.

i'd rather be left alone, i think.

but everyone should have a good juan.

etsrydtfuyiguhij

i wish i could talk to you right now.

cause you understood all of this shit about my mom and dad.

and everything having to do with my family.

it`s so annoying ljfoifoiehrga.

i really wish i could talk to you about it right now ):

you were the one person i could talk to about all of that stuff.

ehuglds i`m so frustrated

alriiiight

haven`t blogged in a few days.

i`m trying to cut down, so i can refrain from talking about a few certain thaangs.

uhmm so the girls are going clubbing later, 

buuuuut i don`t feel like going.

i don`t feel very comfortable dancing with other people.

it`s whatevaaaah.

so yesterday, i was waiting at my bus stop and there was a chihuahua

 coming closer and closer towards me. 

but then my bus came, so i had to get on so i wouldn`t be late for work.

and as my bus came, the garbage truck came!

he honked at the dog, but the dog wouldn`t move.

i was too scared to see what might have happened after that.

on the bus ride, i felt so shitty ):

i was seriously about to cry cause i knew i shoulda picked up the poor puppy to save him.

and now, i don`t even know what happened to him ):

michael said that it`s LA, so some mexican probably picked him up.

lol kinda helped, but kinda didn`t.

i was so sad on the bus, that i missed my 

stop.

i`m an idiot -_____-

i had to walk an extra block to school.

and i already have to walk 2 and a half blocks therrre.

also, last night, mattyboo came over to justine`s house (:

that was fun.

and  was there cause i had to get homewor

k done

butttt, i didn`t start it til 3 in the morning cause i was so distracted !

we left brian a bajillion video comments,

mattyboo kept trying to ichat with cheryl,

matt likes those mighty mugg thingies haha.

i  have a.d.d. !

kk that`s all !

nothing super interesting in my life.

saaaame old stuff.

hahaha

six flags !

more flags !

more fun !

BAHAHAHA

i forgot about my good thangs !

my friends are wonderful.

i love them with all my heart !

and people who cheer me up, or at least try, mean the world to me.

just the littlest efforts can make my day (:

on sunday, i went to church choir for the first time in a long time.

we had a little bible study sesh before we started practicing.

and i answered the first question when no one else could.

the answer:

FAITH !

i bet you woulda been proud of me.

because that`s something you always thought i needed.

but i was proud of myself for knowing (:

i`m lackin` in faith a little these days.

with numerous things ):

but i`m workin` on it !

that was the good part of my life.

(i`m sorry i forgot)

sorry guys. you don`t have to read this ):

i am so sick and tired of thinking about you.

but i can`t stop myself, and it freaking sucks.

i seriously wish that eternal sunshine were a real thing.

that way, i would totally erase you from my memory.

you don`t realize that the reason i`m so angry..

the reason i talk shit and you don`t

is because YOU are the one who broke MY HEART.

you`re the one who left me, remember ?

if you can recall,

getting left behind by the person you love

HURTS LIKE HELL.

realize that the reason i`m sad is YOU.

so don`t wonder why i am so hurt.

don`t wonder why i say all of these things.

don`t wonder why i am so angry and bitter.

you, of all people, SHOULD KNOW why

after all, you did it.

you REALLY DON`T know how this feels,

SO DON`T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.

don`t think that you know im feeling.

if you loved someone,

and fought your hardest until you were stopped from fighting anymore,

you would be emotionally drained too.

you wouldn`t be able to function.

and please don`t tell me to "have a nice life"

after every argument.

because, clearly, i can`t have that right now.

because even though everyone knows, as well as i know, that i can do better,

i don`t want to do better.

it`s stupid because i won`t do what`s best for me.

i really need to learn how to get over you.

i`m angry, so let me talk my shit:

you think that you're so fucking cool

with that camera that doesn`t even belong to you.

its your dad's.

you still really disgust me.

i can`t believe what you did.

and i can`t believe who you are now.

you think that it`s my fault people dislike you ?

NO, you did that on your own.

i didn`t tell you leave me.

i didn`t tell you to put a picture of a porn star up on your myspace.

i didn`t tell you to be a freaking jerk.

you did that ALL on your own.

i hope you don`t go to the strip club now too.

ughh

woahh

ohmygosh

ughh

YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING.

seriously, you are just a typical guy.

who wants some ass.

and i had no idea when we were together.

ughh, i can`t believe i`m just figuring it out now.

ughh kdfh seriously.

glad it`s over and done with.

seriously ?

you disgust me.

i wish i had something interesting to blog about,

but i dont ):

i got my mac though !

i lovessss it.

and now my mommy even wants one.

first thing in the morning, we took photo booth pictures.

me and mom (:

or mom and i.

whatevah then ! haha

uhmm i will be ichatting all day long

and leaving video comments all day long.

so feel free to leave me your screen name (:

so i`m going to choir today at church.

i haven`t been in a while.

i feel like instead of being so concentrated on getting him back,

i`m gonna stay concentrated on getting god back into my life.

i really need this right now,

cause i`ve drifted so far away.

let's see

the only semi-sad news i have is that

i miss your familiar touch.

and if i close my eyes long enough,

and concentrate long enough,

i can feel it.

but its starting to slip away from my memory

he`s just not that into you

one of my favorite lines of the night:

"if a guy doesn`t give a shit, 

he genuinely doesn`t give a shit."

i like it, cause it`s soo so so so true.

FUCK GUYS ! (:

even matt and rick broke my heart this week !

seriously though, there are hardly any guys i can trust anymore.

that`s just how it is.

i`m not just saying it cause i`m angry at the world haha

but it`s true !

so ohwell ! there`s nothang i can do now !

i can`t say i have much to complain about.

one week ago, i was a hot mess.

but i`m better now !

first in 3 days

so instead of not blogging here ever again,
im just gonna blog sometimes.

came back home to walnut today,
walked in and gave my mom flowers for her beeday.
i got home JUST IN TIME to see the ending of CLICK.
"will you still love me in the morning?"
"forever and ever, babe"
HA !
you can imagine what happened after that.

anyways the week was good.
had a nice convo with mattyboo over the phone.
i called him, he didn`t call me (:
baha, LOVE YOU, MATTYBOO ! (:
mm and i enjoy your blogs..
very much so !

i will be getting me mac.
and all will be ten million times better than it is !
not that things are shitty (:

oh, you know whyyyy (:

one of the last times

i won`t be blogging here very much anymore.
i`m leaving this stupid stupid part of my life behind.
because i CAN`T BELIEVE that i was dumb enough
to think that you really loved me like you said you did
but i know now that everything you said, and everything you did was FAKE.
you are JUST LIKE all those other boys who break their promises
i didn`t think you were the type of guy who was capable of breaking hearts.
i thought that you were one of those few gentlemen left in the world
i thought that you were a GOOD GUY
and that you would never EVER hurt me
but ohhhhhhhhh fucking boy was i wrong.
oh, and guess what ?chivalry is dead.
and i know that, thanks in part, to you.

i have NO REASON AT ALL to believe that love exists anymore.
i doubt that i`ll be able to trust a guy again.
ALL THANKS TO YOU

i just WISH you knew how much you`ve hurt me

there`s nothing i can do or say to fix it

okay, it`s done.

i`m too late

i`m never going to be okay with us being apart.
no matter how hard i try to convince myself that i can give you time
or no matter how much i convince myself that i can move on,
it won`t ever work.

"you don`t even believe in love"
i did. i used to think it was real.
and i know that i love people.. its real for me.
but i don`t know if its possible for other people to be
telling the truth anymore when they say it.

according to you,
i never had any faith to begin with.
you know how you felt like you were never good enough for me ?
i think that it was really me never being good enough for you.

OHHHHHMYGOSHHHHHHHHH
you don`t even know how angry i was last night.
i just wanted to kill a bitch, seriously.
but really, you don`t even know half of what happened last night.
i know you know that i was mad.
but did you even know that i cried my HEART and my EYES out last night ?
did you know that i tried to see you ?
i wanted to see you, to talk to you, and get everything straight.
but your good friends and mine helped me through it.
made me realize that talking to you in that state that i was in would be dumb.
but i was so ready to pour my heart out to you last night.
I WAS SO READY.

whatever, i`m pretty fucking frustrated with you right now.
really, when do i get to move on ?