in your brown eyes

i think i have a problem
khfksuhfa
why can't i just get over it ?

i dislike seeing couples and stuff.

cause i sort of miss being in a relationship.

i miss real, meaningful kisses.

the kind on the forehead too.

and i miss tight hugs.

man, oh man.

today i am not fine.

should i be your friend or not ?!

it hurts to sit and watch,

but wouldn't it hurt either way ?

lefjlf i need guidance.

"i guess it's just a silly song about you

and how i lost you

and your brown eyes."

"unless you let someone in,

you'll always be alone."

haven't blogged in 2 days..

and i think that's a record ha

nothing special. 

everything's arright.

i was gonna stay in LA til sunday,

but i ended up coming last night

cause i had a dentist appointment here early in the morn.

3 SHALLOW cavities thank goodness.

vanilla flavored cleaning stuff whatever it's called lol.

and i hate swishing the fluoride around my mouth -__-

after they say not to eat or drink until after one hour,

i always rush to the bathroom to clean out that fluoride taste.

haha ooopsies.

mm yesterday was brian's house.

it was pretty cute.. pretty cold.

after that went to carl's jr with cheryl crystal lauren

got home at around almost 3 ?!

i knocked the fuck out (:

OH YEAH, i actually drove today haha.

from home to the dentist, from the dentist to bestway, and from bestway back home.

it wasn't horrid, i think (:

i haven't driven since i got my license though HAHAH oops.

overall:

i'm fine.

why'd you have to go and turn to ice?

"dont worry if you are feeling blue. emotions should be respected, not suppressed."

correct, so why am i not allowed to express my emotions ?

i shouldn't be so scared to show my friends how i really feel..

or anyone else how i really feel.

but i don't wanna be a debbie downer.

this is difficult ):

anywho, feeling  a little bit better today.

also, last night was kinda good (:

but yeah, today at work i had fun with carla and justin (:

quite a few good laughs.

i got a nice long 8 hour shift today, and will probably get another tomorrow unless they don't need me anymore.

after work, ill see if i can get a ride home..

maybe, hopefully ):

i dont know though.. i sort of like relaxing in LA

without any distractions..

the only bad part about it is the loneliness every now and then.

more lyrics that relate:

"what i mean is all i need is

just a little emotion

cause all i see is you not feeling

and you're giving me nothing nice

i tried to do you right

why'd you have to go and turn to ice?"

by that i mean:

i wish i could see a little bit more emotion from you.

you make it look so easy to just forget everything.

and i really tried giving you my all..

and now it's just nothing.

im not depressed.

im just thinking !

just got home

i've found the solution to my problem.

just don't speak !

i won't speak about anything anymore.

ill probably write more later,

when something interesting has gone on in my day.

so far, i've had a egg salad sandwich.. THAT IS ALL !

11:45 pm

just got home to LA.

it wasn't what i expected.

i thought i would talk a bit more.

but it's okay.

im a little confused..

and this is why i should not have let myself do this again..

but maybe i would rather have it this way.

it's kind of a secret, kind of undercover low key, yeah.

but from now on, i am keeping my mouth shut !

so enough about that !

watched make me a supermodel and 24 all day long.

i was soooo bored -___-

was sposed to get my tattoo but it didnt happen ):

shoulda gone to the beach with em ):

but i figured it was too late..

plus i have work at 800 am tomorrow.

established that i am not interested in anyone.

and probably wont be for a while.

thank goodness.

boring day.

GRADES

Section	Dept	Course#	Course Title	Grade	Units	Grade Pts
			WINTER 2009
12127	GNST	2380	WORLD ART	C+	3	6.9
16008	MMKT	1550	MARKETING AND BRAND DEVELOPMENT	A	3	12.0
18429	VCOM	1550	CRITICAL CONCEPTS FOR VISUAL COMM	B+	3	9.9
18432	VCOM	1900	DRAFTING TECH. FOR VIS PRESENT	A-	3	11.1
18383	VCOM	2180	COMPUTER RENDERING	A-	3	11.1
			CUR UN ATT 15 COMP 15 GPA 3.4

USELESS

thanks, friends.

i think ill stay in LA.

i tried.

i've been holding onto the past for too long.

bought a new bathing suit,

but the beach is cancelled.

NOBODY GETS IT!

im sorry i talk about him still,

but i can't just forget about him the way he did with me.

maybe i'm not strong,

because when i lose someone i love,

im usually not the type to just give up and let go.

BUT I AM TRYING HERE.

really quickly

before i leave to shop with matty,

last night was..

i'm not really sure ?!

write more about it later !

went shopping with matty !

got a new bathing suit, hat, flannel, and skirt (:

im quite the happy camper !

and he got game stuff and a new shirt from target (:

k so i had an interesting night last night sorta.

had an hour long conversation.. a little bit longer.

it was a VERY unexpected phone call.

but i'm glad he knows he can still trust me.

ill always be there no matter what happens.

he asked me if i hated him, so i told him the truth.

"honestly, yes i do"

i couldn't lie to him so i told him sometimes.

it's not entirely true though.

i don't think i hate him exactly..

but it's that i feel like i hate him because of everything that i've gone through.

but despite all of the pain and tears, i still do love him.

i couldn't tell him that last part though.

i wasn't about to tell him i still love him and scare him away.

not that i have him again though, right ?

but yes, i'm kind of glad that happened.

i'm glad i got to hear that familiar voice.

he also think that i'm happy and that i sound great.

that's not true though, cause i still feel a little miserable every now and then.

but i couldn't tell him the truth about that.

haha that woulda been a dumb move !

overall, im happy with the way i handled it all.

feeling kinda blue.

give it up, kid.

can't win em all.

sometimes i look at myself and hate who i've become.

i'm not the person i was a year ago.

i've turned into this depressed, angry, bitter monster.

i let someone in, and let myself get hurt.

i let love get the best of me,

only to let it break me.

i'm not "jolly" anymore,

and i don't smile as much.

i don't like to look at the brighter side of things

because i know that it doesn't alway work that way.

instead of holding my head up high,

i like to stare at my shoes.

i wish i could start all over again,

but i'm no good at letting go of my past

even though i'm pretty sure it's long gone.

everything and everyone has changed.

it's hard to trust.

it's hard to believe that love and happiness still exist.

it's hard to believe that everything i had is gone.

how could you make me believe that love was real

and then just take it away?

i'm a lazy and just woke up

so this morning,

i realized that it's already been about 3 months.

meaninggg, i'm freaking stupid for still holding on,

but it's okay cause i'm getting better.

it was still kinda crazy when i thought about it though.

to think that i've been hoping and praying that something would happen til about 2 weeks ago.

i held on for that long ?

i must be a big dummy -____-

and i apologize to my friends for being such a debbie downer sometimes.

but sometimes when people are in too deep,

there's no helping the situation.

i was clearlyyyy in too deep, and couldn't help myself.

3 months later, i still wonder and i still sort of wish there was a chance.

but i'm beginning to accept it.

maybe God did this to me for good reason.

maybe he's got someone else out there for me.

even though i doubted that there could be anyone else at all,

maybe there is. i sure hope there is.

some days are my confident days,

some days my heart still hurts,

and some are just the days where i would like to sit down and think.

let's hope today's a good day.

iefhjuslheg (:

i've decided..

im gonna get another tatt !

it's true, it kinda is addicting !

i won't share with the world what it is yet..

but it'll be gooood (:

uhm, so today was a good day (:

i had my last two finals, and i didn't fail horribly !

after marketing, went to the annex to finish up some work,

and then had some foooood at quiznos with justine, jensine, and melissa !

melissa got me all excited (:

set-ups could be fun, and so could 22-year-olds !

bahaha we shall see.

now that i started my break, i have 16 weeks in walnut (:

but i`ll be back and forth, cause i`m not quitting work.

i need the moneys :/

i'm really doing a lot better these days.

i still wonder, but i will survive (:

before i go to work and school

"we were amazing together

and i know we can be amazing together again

the mistakes we made will always be there between us

but maybe if we start over, maybe the past wont' be there in our next relationship"

OTH

thanks kimmie ! (:

DON'T FORGET

oh, today wasn't so bad !

had 2 classes to go to !

made a presentation in one,

and turned in a computer project in the next.

i hope i get at least B's in both !

it's feeling a little iffy though.

3 more classes to go !

today was a pretty okay day.

i bought XXX vitamin water from vons.

it's my new favvvve. delicious.

my best friend hasn't been feeling so hot ):

BUT SHE'S A TROOPER !

who doesn't know how to cut with an xacto knife -__-

WHERE DO WE GO TO SCHOOL, JUSTINE ?! ahhaha

uhmm i think im slowly getting better, guys !?

we'll see how long i can keep up with that though lol.

im just really excited to finish this quarter !

2 years from today, i will go on a date with this one foo !

unless i "accidentally" lose his numbah ! bahaha.

DEMI LOVATO- DON'T FORGET = STORY OF MY LIFE.

currently

"Now im left to forget about us..

but somewhere we went wrong.

we were once so strong.

our love is like a song.

you can't forget it."

but i find new songs to match my life every day.

haha, love it when that happens.

i think i want to keep a book of quotes from now on

haha i forgot to mention last night..

remember wrestling ?!

i killed you.

remembah

remember when we made each other laugh

and sometimes even make each other cry of happiness?

remember cooking for each other AND WITH each other?

mm that pasta is so good.

my mom said we made it good cause we made it with love.

remember when we were in high school..

walking to class together?

making each other hand prints in art?

jumping on you every chance i got?

punching you in the stomach..

and giving you "open chests"?

boy, i really abused you (:

writing notes to each other in class

even when knew we would see each other after about an hour or so?

forehead kisses?

sticking our cheeks out to each other

so that we could get a quick peck right before the bell rang?

walking to your wagon.. which turned into your civic.

remember our tamagachi baby?

remember you trusting me by letting me drive when we had just met?

i still dont know why you let me lol.

remember me watching your soccer games?..

i was your guys' biggest fan

and loved screaming the whole team's nicknames (:

remember that time you hid under my blanket

and my dad didn't notice you?

hahah oh my goodness that was a good juan.

remember when you would make fun of my every time i posted a bulletin

asking people what my homework was?

remember telling joseph "leave her alone, she's sensitive"

and you didnt know we were joking with you? haha

remember "you're my best friend.." ?

remember what it felt like to hear "i love you" every single day?

remember holding each other tight and never wanting to let go?

whenever we held hand YOU had sweaty palms? lol

remember us talking in front of my old house for hours at a time

and it was still hard for us to say goodbye?

remember when leaving each other would be difficult EVERY TIME?

i could literally go on and on and on.

i was already in my bed waiting to fall asleep

when all these good memories rushed through my head.

i even started giggling quietly..

just kidding if that's weird ! lol

i had been so caught up in sulking and remembering all of 

the arguments, the crying, the screaming..

that i forgot about all of our good moments.

my older sister said once,

"you guys are good for each other. you're both freaking weird!"

i think she was kinda right at the time.

everything was so perfect back then,

but i guess it's not the right time now.

i can't go back to the past, and i can't do anything about it now.

but, like brother bear said to me a while ago,

"at least you guys had a good run."

im not going to lie, i miss us all the time.

i wish things were different.

if i could take back it all back..

all of the fighting and jealousy.. the lack of trust..

i would.

i've learned.

bert's bee's pomegranite

it's weird, because the scent of it reminds me of old times.

it just gives me this weird feeling in my stomach.

like im supposed to remember something in particular about it.

had more dreams about him.

horrible, once again.

if im going to forget everything,

i can't keep having these dreams.

off to work.. continuation later.

FINALLY WATCHED A NEW GOSSIP GIRL !

NATE ARCHIBALD, BE MY MAN !

ughh, you are so cute.

it kinda really made me miss having a special someone.

made me miss having someone to cuddle with and to love.

BLEH, SUCKS !

wish i had a Nate Archibald to love me back ):

done with Gossip Girl, back to homework.

a wonnnnderful quote

found by amy, given to me <3

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. BUT Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness to come wont pass you by. Learn from it. REpair your heart. GROW”

WHATEVER

hey, whatever you know ?

let me just STOP being friends with all my friends

just because they were his friends first.

i kind of gave up all of my friends

because he didn't want to hang out with mine.

BUT IT'S OKAY.

i can just give up my friends again.

time to move on, huh ?

FREAKING ANNOYED AT LIFE.

if everything that i do is wrong, i give up.

this sucks.

i don't get to keep my boyfriend, 

i don't get to keep my friends,

then why the heck did i decided to take a break from next quarter.

USELESS.

kelly clarkson, you know me so well:

"ill pretend im okay with it all

act like there`s nothing wrong

is it over yet?

can i open my eyes?

is this as hard as it gets?

is this what it feels like to really cry?"

thought i was done with crying

now i don't know, now i don't know

woke up from this dream

that completely broke my heart.

in my dream you found your new love.

and i was there to see it all.

bleh, so i gay.

i wonder if it's real and you already have found someone new.

either it's just me being paranoid of you finding a new love,

or my dreams trying to tell me that you have found someone.

im nervous for the day that i see you with someone other than me.

went back to sleep, and had another dream.

this one was completely different..

but let's not talk about that.

today's schedule:

HOMEWORK

HOMEWORK

HOMEWORK

VPC 2008

watching those segments seriously made me want to cry.

the very last episode, saying goodbye to the seniors was touching.

i wanna cry cause so much has changed.

our expectations and hopes, they've all changed, and some gone.

it sucks to remember all the good things from the past

and then realize that they're now gone.

to the current seniors: cherish it, PLEASE !

when a heart breaks

i could check your myspace

and in a way i want to..

but i know i shouldn't.

and i haven't ever since i gave it up.

it was sorta the only way for me to figure out how you were feeling.

since you don't ever like to talk about it.

i kind of regret telling you i coudn't be your friend.

and i wish i was strong enough to be your friend

because it started to be really nice.

but i can't just sit there and give myself false hope every time you do or say something nice.

i really wish i could be your friend

without wanting to be more than that again.

it's hard for me to move on, when i loved you so much.

and i still do, but im sort of being forced not to.

bleh, i know you probably don't read this,

but i just gotta get my feelings out.

i don't know if im just going crazy,

or if my friends are ignoring me on purpose ):

it's kind of really sad.

i guess they just hate me now.

i know it wasn't right for me to shut you guys out

but i dont think you really get how hard this is for me,

i never let anyone in my life like i let him in

and then all of a sudden, he's gone.

i just know that me talking about him is annoying as it is.

and i didnt want to bother you anymore this week

by talking about him even more.

so i didnt want to talk about it.

stupid, but i dont know how else to deal with this

cause ive tried so many ways.

just don't hate me.

when you see a guy or girl friend sulking in their misery

about their significant other,

you cant seem to realize why the eff they just dont get over it.

but what you don't understand is the love.

i used to wonder why my friends kept letting stupid things happen to them

and why they would still want someone after being treated poorly.

but now i understand, because ive gone through it.

and its somethings that's really hard to explain

unless you've gone through this horrible thing too.

my boring life

so it's 4:24 in the morning,

and im beginning to realize that i'm pretty much a ghost to everyone but Justine.

i guess it's sort of what i wanted, but i didnt want them to stop caring.

not one of them has asked me how im doing, but its okay.

cause im feeling the same way ive been feeling for months now.

i guess i havent been making a big effort to talk to people

cause i'm actually trying in school now, for my last two weeks.

not going back to walnut/west covina because i have so much work to do.

but i miss my friends.

i suppose i can sacrifice one weekend for school.

im a horrid student.

and probably a horrid friend.

not like it mattered though, right ?

i think i feel alone more now than ever,

aside from having my best friend justine around, i kinda have no one.

i really miss the way i used to be.

i actually used to be a "happy go lucky" kinda girl.

then i lost someone who meant the world to me,

and as lame as it sounds, my whole world started to crumble.

although i really should have just moved on,

just like i did with all the other guys,

i couldnt seem to let go.

and i know i shouldnt, but i wonder how youre doing.

hopefully, after another week, my break will make everything better again.

i've kinda noticed that if you met me a year ago, you would have liked me better.

you probably wouldnt find me interesting anymore, 

cause im not as bold in person as i was or as i am on my blog.

i knocked out immediately after coming home on my dad's bed.

(sorry dad !)

i just woke up, and my tummy hurts.

i've been feeling sick, no good.

i can just ignore it and fall asleep again.

night, world.

oh, and to my friends

i don't understand

and im having trouble figuring out

if it was all real or fake.

at the time, it seemed so real and so beautiful.

but now it just feels like it was all a big lie.

every 5 or 10 minutes,

i find myself crying all over again.

my eyes are so filled with tears

that i can hardly see what i type.

mistakes almost every word i type out.

im trying to re-analyze everything..

trying to figure out what it was that i did wrong

over and over again.

i don't know how you could go from loving someone

to leaving them behind.

and now i hate the word love

i just hate love in general.

it isn't fair.

and to everybody,

im sorry, but i think im gonna be under my rock for a while.

i cant really talk to anyone.

my phone will be turned off

for, most likely, the whole week.

to the guys:

i can't see you very much anymore.

you can probably figure out why.

and im really sorry..

but i have to do it.

i hope you can understand why.

cutting myself off

"all this time i was wasting

hoping you would come around.

i've been giving out chances every time

and all you do is let me down."

i dont wanna hurt anymore.

it's not fair

that im feeling this way

and that you're doing perfectly fine without me.

it's not fair that i gave you my all

and i got nothing in return.

what do i deserve after loving him more than anything?

NOTHING WHATSOEVER.

i get left behind.

flashback:

went to LACMA today

the last time i was at the LACMA,

i got yelled at.

"FUCK YOU!"

im pretty much miserable.

id like to be left alone for now.

phone off.

don't try to reach me.

who cares, right?

after pouring my heart and soul out to him,

he couldn't care any less.

today, i learned how to suppress my tears,

and now im learning how hide any feelings from the world.

now my guard is up,

and i will never fall in love again.

that was such a stupid idea.

i never want to put myself through that pain again.

Eternal

"you don't tell me things, joel.

i`m an open book.

i tell you everything..

every damn embarrassing thing.

you don't trust me."

"people have to share things, joel.

that's what intimacy is"

"it would be different

if we could just have another go-around"

you're a stupid girl

way to get my hopes up.

i brought it upon myself though.

seriously, why do i do it to myself?

why do i let myself think that everything will be okay

when it won't ever be the same.

setting myself up for failure, here.

i'm really dumb for even thinking it would be fine.

shhhiefoaupaogs;

"yooouur sooo in love, its ridic!"

IT IS RIDICULOUS.

AND ITS STUPID.

and i ABSOLUTELY HATE that i cant change that.

i SHOULD NOT be feeling this way right now,

i disappoint myself

sometimes

OFTEN

still at schooooool..

today i leaned my head on my best friends shoulder and admitted:

"i miss him.."

today was a whatever day for the both of us.

hers was probably suckier than mine, even though suckier isn't a word.

gonna watch watchmen later,

so hopefully that'll turn out okay.

watchmen was good !

or at least i thought it was.

everyone was tired by 3am,

so they all peaced outttt !

i was kinda hoping for something..

but ill get over it.

to all the mama's:

you are strong (:

Daily Capricorn Horoscope - 6th March, 2009

Significant others are your heart's priority as the Moon moves through your seventh house. Relationships and all they encompass are in focus so remind yourself to explore healthy compromises. You can achieve more working together than you can alone - either personally with a partner or friend, or professionally with a mentor or key business contact. If your work is based around one on one relationships you may be busier now as well. Take on nurturing or protective roles with loved ones. Caring for those around you is important whilst the Moon is in your partnership 

here i am, with my heart on the floor

"lock =] dude i freaking love u. =] i swear no one has ever made me smile as much as u have and ive never thought id find someone as perfect as u."

even with bad grammar, you made me smile.

sucksssssssss

i was reminiscing

but i shouldnt have done that.

remember being completely head over heels for each other ?

we used to be quite silly

i can't fall out of love

i can't fall out of love.

so what the heck am i supposed to do ?

i hate hanging on to something that won't work..

something i know you don't want or need to work.

and i hate that i can't control myself.

i guess i'm back to feeling shitty ?

i really shouldn't be, but it hurts me just as much.

because now i REALLY can't stop wondering.

i should be happy with what i have, right?

but i'm not.

i'm a little confused.

but it's probably just me overreacting.

i wanna ask,

but i don't wanna chase you away.

i can't get that other thought out of my head.

it's really almost killing me.

i wish i could tell, but it would do no good.

i finished my homework before midnight today,

FOR ONCE,

and now i can't even sleep.

dont like secrets ):

JUST LIKE A HURRICANE

JUST LIKE A HURRICANE

THE WAY YOU BREAK EVERYTHING THAT COMES IN YOUR WAY

JUST LIKE A HURRICANE

JUST LIKE A HURRICANE

THE WAY YOU BROKE MY HEART AND NOW IM LEFT WITH THE PAIN

AFTER THE HURRICANE

p.s. i'm a horrid child ):

seriously,

i think i eff'd up.

so for lent,

i gave up something i really really had to stop doing.

and so far, i'm pulling through.

i don't wanna do it, and its real difficult,

but i haven't checked once.

for those of you who know what i gave up,

you know what i meannn.

i have a research paper due on tuesday,

and i still have not started.

seriously,

i know it's overrated but

FML

you know those "love is..." comics ?

i hate that i love those