and so i`m pretty lost.
i should be more depressed.
but it hasn`t really hit me yet.
but i can feel myself sinking lower and lower.
soon i`ll hit rock bottom.

i can`t believe
just like that,
it was over.

just like that,

it was over.

so my beeday wasn`t so bad. it was pretty alright. except for the night before. there was a little rough patch. but it's alright, cause i go through life like the karate kid (: haha. let`s see. on the 24th, i went to breakfast at millie`s with mom, kees, and ate. then, did a whole bunch of gift wrapping. i must say, i`m pretty dang good (: that night, went over to the cousin`s in long beach for our christmas eve/my beeday party. that was cute. rode with jordan, and fell asleep during the car ride. when do i not fall asleep? (: then he left early, and i enjoyed quality time the my familia. got $500 for birffday and christmas. not so bad. i think i`ll put it toward my mac fund ! ohh i am so excited for one (: i`ve wanted a mac ever since we worked with them in VPC. 

HENNYWAYS, i dropped $170 today. "WHY?!" you might ask. because i got my tattoo (: and i also bought cheryl`s! pretty good deal. we went to "NICE GUY TATTOOS." they`re real tight. they really were nice guys ! so my tattoo is still sore. and red. so it`s not as pretty as it will be in a couple weeks. but i am SO SO SO excited for it (: woohoooo. i finally got it.

tomorrow will be a scary day. pray for me. and wish me luck, please!

punk bitches

oooooh, i want so badly to punch you right now. stupid girls. who like to homewreck. well whatever. it doesn`t matter, because he CHOSE me. that`s what i`m supposed to keep telling myself. i`m trying sooo hard to believe myself and to remind myself that. and seiously, i go numb when i think of you or see you.
you don`t tell someone that you like them when that someone ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. ughh. seriously, go away little girl.
( like i`m not little, right ? (: haha )

i win.
even though it`s not about winning.

i ain`t a punk bitch

i don`t give a fuhhhh !

i have a gut feeling that this birthday is going to be terrible. 8 more days. and i don`t know what to expect. i have my birthday wish all set up, and i really hope that it comes true. but who knows if it really will. i can remember this time last year. everything was so perfect. we were so happy. i was surrounded by friends and family who love me. not that i don`t have friends who love me now, but everyone is so distant. especially the person i was closest to. but i hope to god that everything will be okay asap !

the highlight of my day was finding $5 on the floor, and that`s sad.
but i guess talking to jess and crystal and mystery person made it a little better.
today wasn`t complete.
i feel so incomplete. and so hurt.
but i`m trying to leave it up to that one person to fix.
i honestly feel that i have tried my hardest.
and there is nothing else i can do but wait.

trying to be strong is difficult.
i just WISH i mattered to you again !

i quite like the weather.

tired

i am emotionally tired
due to the fact that
I AM LOSING.

i honestly feel like i am losing the most important people in my life..

person number one.
i don`t want to share you. and yes, i understand that i am selfish. but if you are MINE, i am certainly not sharing you with some girl i don`t even know or care to know. i just want you to let her know that you HAVE a girlfriend, but if you don`t want her to know that, then i`ll just have to leave. you are my love of my life, and there is no way i am sharing you with some random. you don`t understand how much it hurts me whenever i see her name on your phone. when i see that you are text messaging, it hurts because i know that you can barely stand texting me anymore. i feel like i am being replaced. and the feeling kills me.

person number two.
i do not like him. he must be a nice guy, but i don`t see him in our family. i don`t like the fact that he is taking you away from us. you were cooped up in your room, and you kicked me out of it. and when you promised we would go out, that didn`t happen. even though you spent the whole morning and some afternoon with him, suddenly you were tired. couldnt go out with pun. i got angry, and didn`t stop walking. not talking to you, even as i walked out the door with my things. back to la.

people numbers three and four. and five and six. or how about all of my friends.
i feel like i`m losing you too ): not everyone, but some of the ones who have been there, and have suddenly disappeared. i`m not sure if it`s my fault, or yours, or no ones. is it that i`m annoying? or maybe you`re easily annoyed? or you might not know the whole story. i miss my friends. i didn`t intend on blowing you off. i was just so depressed that i wanted to talk to no one at all. i suppose my depression is to blame. i push everyone away because i can`t bear to talk about what just happened. and after a big argument, i just want to be left alone.. to be alone forever. or at least that`s how i feel at the time. and to other friend, where are you? who are you? so different. some things just annoy me. but we`ll overcome it.. i hope. at least we`re supposed to. because those are the true friends. the one`s that prevail no matter what.


i am emotionally tired.
from running away and running straight back when i shouldn`t.

i need this christmas break to be good.
oh please, Lord.

i already know that it is going to be SO DIFFICULT leaving you alone. but if it's what you want, i will try my hardest to respect that.

i will always love you
with all of my heart
with everything in me
you have been the most important part of my life since the day i met you.

everything hurts. i feel so empty inside. im so shaken up. and just when i thought the crying was over, i was caught off guard. and today has been the worst day in a week. i dont understand what i did wrong. all i wanted to do, for this whole week, was to see you. and i cant help but to cry and hurt when i find out that you would much rather hang out with your friends that you see almost every night than be with me. silly me. i thought that i was important to you. but i'm just another irritation to you. and you want me out of your life. and when you said that, i stopped fighting back. i fell speechless. and my heart dropped down to the floor. but im respecting your wish. and i know that it will be near impossible, but im doing it for you. i love you, i promise.

you are the love of my life.
you have affected my life so enormously and you will ALWAYS have my heart. i dont ever want it back. and if you ever decide that you still love me too, i will be here. no matter what happens. i dont ever want to leave you. so i will wait. no matter how long, no matter how much it hurts. i dont know or care how many times i say it, but i love you jordan. nothing about that statement will EVER change.

im broken.

sleepless

these are the things i wish i could tell you:
every time i text you, i wonder if you would have texted me first if i didnt.
every time i ask you to call, i wonder if you would automatically do it if i didnt ask you to.
i hate how i stayed up tonight until 1am just to hear your voice when you couldnt even
stand to talk to me for more than just 3 minutes.
i stay awake until 12 almost every single night just to hear your voice and to say goodnight,
but you hate it.
you know that i cant go to sleep without you, but you still try to get away without talking to me.
i wish you would just be there for me sometimes..
and you would let me be there for you instead of pushing me away.

so here`s to another sleepless night.

hurt

sometimes, like now, i can`t even breath. i`m all cried out. and i didn`t think that would be possible anymore.

you don`t know how i feel.
you don`t get it
you don`t understand
you put me through so much shit.
and still, i mean nothing to you.

you can`t just answer your phone, to talk to me for two seconds, to tell me that you`re okay. you can`t just tell me that you`re busy and that you`ll talk to me later ? why do i have to try so hard just to get ONE sentence out of you? it shouldn`t be that way.

but i`ve come to realize,
maybe we`re not ready yet. maybe we`re not supposed to be together right now. i HATE to even think of that. i don`t want anyone else. but i don`t want to cry anymore. and i don`t want to drag you down. you seriously mean THE WORLD to me. but it feels like we can`t be together right now. but i honestly think that we`re not meant to be. at least for now. i`m not going to lie, you acted so immature. but how old are we? how long have we been together? so why is it so hard for you to be my boyfriend?

i told you.
i don`t understand you.

trust me.
i want to be with you.
but i don`t want to cry anymore.

i had two wonderful dreams

and in my dreams, you finally wanted me back. you held me tight. and then i woke up. this happened twice within my two hours of sleep. they seemed so real.
and from last night til my nap right now, altogether, i have had 3 dreams about you.
even when i want to leave you alone, because that is what you want, i can`t get you out of my head. you`re in my heart forever.

i cried my eyes out last night.
i`d never let anyone see my cry so hard until last night.
jayson held me tight. and he told me that he hated seeing me the way i was.
during debut practices, jayson saw.
and he knew. he could always tell.
and all of my friends asked me what was wrong.
because while all of them were happy and drunk, i was sober, but was still the one crying.
the security guard even gave me a towel to wipe my tears with.

i know that my writing isn`t perfect.
but i can`t seem to think right now.
i don`t care if my grammar or anything is incorrect.
i`m just so shaken up.

i`m leaving you alone now.
that was your wish.

erased from my memory
and i`m sure you`re going to forget everything about me.

everything hurts.

from worst to best

i woke up feeling shitty because i hardly got any sleep.
i get to digital imaging and continuously check my empty myspace &facebook. because i`m not popular lol.
thennnn ! dun dun dun ! i get my text message. not good news at all.
but i think it sort of made me feel better.
is it a bad thing that it made me smile ?
i smiled because then i knew you cared !
even though it was arguing again, i was glad that you were at least talking to me.
although i wasnt sure if you wanted to talk, or you wanted to be mad.

but then my day got better
because i got to work (:
my co-workers are quite funny.
i`m my boss`s favorite.
maddy and i ate chocolate (:
&james is just a weirdo !
hahaha loved it though.
we quoted anchor man together.
how much better can a day get ?
genuine smiles today (:
thank the lord
that honestly hasn`t happened in a while.

then i got a text from crystal (: which made me happy. then i talked to pei-pei on the phone, which made the day even better. i love my friends. when you`re down, you know that you`re friends are true when they just ask you how you`re doing. i love my friends.

1 week ago today

1 week ago today we were almost fine. i didn`t think that we would still be like this.. but i`m barely hanging on. i want to believe that we`ll be good again, but i don`t know anymore. it`s so hard to tell. i want to be with you so badly. but do you want to be with me ? all i could think of today was "what if he finds someone new?" what am i going to do ? i`m hurting so bad. even at work, everyone can tell. for my lunch break, i sat in the back room, sitting on a box, for half an hour, on the verge of tears. but i tried so hard not to cry so that my co-workers wouldn`t bust in &see me with tears in my eyes.

i can`t even express myself properly. my thoughts are all jumbled. i`m angry at you, bitter, jealous, hurt, and broken. but still, i want to be with you.

i don`t know what to do anymore. with anything.
i wish i could curl up in a ball and stay there forever.
or at least until all of the bad stuff is behind us.

i`m selfish. i only think about myself. at least that`s what he says.
i`ll admit, i am selfish. because i only want you to be with me. but i suppose at some point i have to let go. no matter how much it`ll hurt.

FML

well all i really wanna do is love you

but clearly that's almost impossible. what`s wrong with us ? this was neverrr planned. what happened to "forever and ever babe?" lame, but it was true for us. what happened to cutest couple ? what happened to holding onto eachother ? i guess it was partially my fault. for not being enough. for not being worth trying. for getting angry that while you have your friends, i have none from where i am. that while you can make late night drives to friends` houses, i don`t have my license, nor a car. not to mention i live nearly one hour away.

but i won`t be bitter anymore.

i`ll just be sorry. sorry we couldn`t make it work the way it was supposed to. i just wish that LA never had to happen. i wonder if i moved back, would everything be okay again ? would it make a difference ? would it stop us from fighting every night ? i guess the reason i fight with you is because you`re not here with me. i get angry at the fact that you`re so far away. i get jealous of you. because you have your friends, and now you even have my friends. i wish that i was you. when some people just want to get away from home, i would give anything to get that back. i would give anything to be at home with mom, kees, ate, AND CHIRPO. i feel so bad for my poor puppy. but anyways, i would give anything just to spend almost every day with you again.

on halloween night, when we did nothing togeter, i had no problem with that at all. just as long as i`m with you, i`m satisfied. i would much rather be doing a bunch of nothing with you than get drunk, or smoke, or party at all. i just like to lay with you in bed. just look at you. even while you snore. i`d give anything to have that almost every day again. i`d give anything to feel worth your time.

i doubt i`m making any sense to you, but in my mind, i make a whole lot of sense.

i feel so tired, but i don`t want to sleep. i know i have to wake up early tomorrow and i have a speech to make in front of the class (which i have not finished) but i can`t help but to stay up. to see if you call or text back. or if you change something small on your myspace. facebook. anything. any sign that shows you`re still awake and thinking too. maybe you`re as pathetic as i am right now. but maybe you`re just asleep. dreaming all of your troubles away.

asdf,

a bit disappointed
a bit depressed
a bit hurt

a lot forgotten.

at least i met the hottest gay man ever today !
&he noticed me.
what a wasttte ):
OHWELL he's tight !

i miss my guy though

another stupid day

i jumped out of my seat
because i thought the text would be from you.

what a let-down

im so lost

that`s really all i can manage to say right now.
& "sorry"

asdfgvhjkjhgfds

half an hour later
i've managed to get one sentence:
i dont want to go to bed
because i keep thinking that if i stay awake,
something good will happen.

"just know you cant be empty unless youve once been full."
once upon a time, i was full. full of happiness. full of love.

now i`m empty.

i wish you could just GET ME. you don`t understandddd ! please respond to me at least. it`s like it goes straight through your head. have you checked out or something ? it`s not the same.. i don`t understand it. i REALLY don`t. i feel a little under-appreciated. sometimes i wish you read these. so maybe you could understand me. i tell you everything. tell you how i feel. it`s not easy for me. &when i spill my heart out to you, you just don`t say anything. NOTHING. you just disregard it.. like i said nothing at all to you. like what i said didn`t matter. what`s the point in trying to tell you anything anymore? if i tell you how i feel, i`m "attacking" you. WHAT`S THE POINT ??!

GOING BACK TO LA TONIGHT.
LIKE IT REALLY MATTER, RIGHT ?

i'd like to mean SOMETHING to SOMEBODY again.
i wanna be more important than BEER PONG.
i wanna feel like im worth the world to someone.
i want to be missed.

LAME-OOOOO !

is it lame that i feel accomplished for finally getting my permit ?
(: bahaha well.. i do ! so
im in a very happy mood. thank goodness.
but i woke up at 7 in the morn !
but its k cause i had cheryl.
that big loser (:
thank goodness she forced me to get my permit.
that silly sally.

i hope no one kills my happiness today.
i think its gonna be a good day !
not a complete let-down, at least

(((:

yesterday, after being forced to come out from under my rock was good. &today was good. i`m a big stupid. &i shouldn`t get mad at my "man friend" so much (: i love him to death.. but he can really PISS ME OFF sometimes (: but i learn to love it. bahaha. things are better. i sure hope i can keep this up !


&of course, it didnt work.

one day, maybe.

under my rock

i`ll be under my rock.
i don`t want to talk to anyone.
i don`t want to get out of bed.
i don`t want to go anywhere.
i don`t want to do anything.
i don`t want to mess up..

SEX AND THE CITY

"she was a smart girl, until she fell in love.."

the sex and the city movie was a good juan.
it was real cutesy
i loved/hated it.
loved it ! cause it was so darn effing cute.
hated ittt ! cause that shitty never happens -____-
FAWKKK ! i need to stop being bitter !

SO FED UP

i hate this feeling ! like i`m the only one putting in ANY EFFORT ! it pisses me of. it makes me sooooo angry. i find myself angry alot lately. i don`t want to be, trust me. i don`t do it on purpose. what`s so wrong about expressing my feelings ? am i supposed to just keep it inside all the time ? that`s not healthy ! ): i just WISH everything was okay again ! why does everything have to be so difficult ?!

DO PEOPLE REALLY GET WHAT THEY DESERVE ??
i`m not saying i`m a perfect little angel, but what have i done that was so wrong ? i don`t get it. i`m not a bad person. so why do i deserve this ? &then there are people who have done terrible things to others. &in the end, they end up happy. i don`t get it. i really don`t. i`m a pretty good girl. i listen to my parents. i clean. dod my work. i try to make everyone happy. it`s getting to be too much. &i never ever get anything in return. i mean.. i can be happy sometimes. but it only lasts for that moment. &when i`m by myself, i end up feeling miserable again. i think i`m one of those. i always need to have someone around. sometimes i wish i could have someone in my closet.. like my best friend.. &when i`m feeling blue, i could just hug them all day long. some days, all i need is a good hug. i miss that. i miss feeling loved. i want the past back..

i can`t breath

i can`t remember being this angry EVER. hitting tables, kicking walls. i`m so angry AT MYSELF. i don`t know what to do. have you ever been so mad at someone, but then you realize you`re actually angry at yourself? well that`s EXACTLY how i feel. writing a blog about it seems dumb, but it relieves SO MUCH stress &anger. i feel like a BIG FUCKING IDIOT.

my heart really hurts right now. it hurts every time i look at you, because i don`t know if i really have you. i don`t know if you`re really mine. &it hurts SO MUCH because you have me. &there`s nothing i can do about it. sometimes i look at you.. while you don`t notice.. &my heart just hurts. i get the chills. i get scared. so many emotions run through my brain that i can`t even think. &tears start to fall down my eyes. but i wipe them away before anybody can even see them. i don`t feel like i`m anyone`s special someone anymore. but i wish you could PROVE ME WRONG..

you asked me if that`s what i wanted. that`s not what i want. i just want everything to be okay. i wish everything was the way it used to be. i want to go a day without fighting. everything can seem so perfect one moment, &the next is so terrible. remember last night? i wish i could have stayed in your arms forever. it felt so perfect. it felt like how it`s supposed to always be. i felt like a baby. i felt like YOUR baby. i remember when we used to always act that way. so lovey dovey. now it`s like it was just puppy love. but i`d do ANYTHING to get that back. i miss feeling like i`m worth the world to someone.

i guess heart ache really does exist..

barely hangin` on

HOMESICK by MERCY ME
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

that's such a good song. yeah yeah its a church song.. but i love my church songs (: that song is like.. the story of my life. haha but i have a lot of songs that are the story of my life.

so, when i`m home, i sould be happier right ? eh not so much. i don`t get it. this was supposed to make things better ): it`s not workinggg. what else is there left to do ? i get scared. all the time. but hey, at least i`m not being a big baby lately. i think i`m learning to hold that stuff in.
things NEVER work out the way i want it to.
&i`m starting to give up ):
when i know i shouldn`t.
i don`t want to. but i might have to.

herro again, blogspot

i haven`t used this thanggg in.. forever.
i`ve deleted all my previous juans &i`m starting clean !

I MISS MY FRIENDS.
now i`m on break for 2 and a half more weeks..
SO HELLO AGAIN FRIENDS !