if every day from now on is gonna be like friday,
then i think i`ll be fine.
as long as i have my lovely girlfraans
and red velvet cake (: haha
it started out slightly slowww..
but the night ended reaaaally funny..
well jess and i thought so
SORRY CRYSTAL if you got annoyed ! haha
and today is cheryl`s beeday.
she didn`t havea great day last night ):
we didn`t even get to have her surprise dinner.
but i don`t blame anyone.
i just wish we coulda made it better for her.
but i think we did, a little bit.
we made her a b-e-a-utiful rainbow funfetti cake (:
and a balloon and a little funny asian boy bday card.
mm and then, as we arrived at michael`s house
something not so great happened..
so i`m praying for cheryl and her family.

uhmm but overall, those girls make me happy.
and i think, they`re really all i need.
and i totally would not mind spending valentine`s day with them (:
i can do this, i know i can.

"at first i was afraid, i was petrified.
kept thinkin` i could never live without you by my side.
but then i spent so many nights thinkin` how you did me wrong
and i grew strong, and i learned how to get along.."

i don`t want to get uppp

i could hardly sleep last night.
i was tossing and turning.
and i couldn`t stop thinking about him
and our relationship.
that it`s over because i can`t wait.
and i can`t have him tell me he loves me and kiss me
when after that he tells me that he still needs time.
he gave me so much false hope, and he lied.
that`s the thing that gets me every time.
a big fat lie.

i had a dream last night
i was looking through the scrap book he gave me
and the pages were all torn out
and i couldn`t find them at all.
that stupid alex girl was in my dream too.
she was sitting there watching.
maybe its my dream telling me that he`s moved and
and that it`s time for me to move on this time.
maybe he is talking to that dumb girl.
i wouldn`t doubt it.
they texted each other all the time
and she told him she had feelings for him.
guess he found himself a new love.

here`s to you

everything was going good.
but it only lasted a few days.
and i should have known.

and now i`m forced to forget what we had.
and i`m forced to not be your friend.
end of it.
even when i was so sick of trying, i kept going anyways.
but i can finally leave you alone now.
i want to give you what you want,
and apparently i`m not it.
i tried really hard, i swear i did.
i love you,
and i`m always going to love you.
no matter what.
that`s always been the case.
but i think it`s time for me to let you go now.
i don`t want you to end up hating me.

i can`t even breathe
this is so stupid.

i thought that my heart was done hurting by now.
but the pain is just as bad as it was a month ago.

i don`t think that you`re even hurting at all
and that`s what hurts the most.

you know, it was SO NICE that you used me while you could.
but now, it`s okay for you to just go back to ignoring me and pretending i don`t exist, right?
that`s really great, i love it, by the way.
i love being so important to you one day, and then non-existent the next.
but at least i got one day in, yeah?
i totally thought we would be okay again.
but when i asked you if we could ever still hang out
and then you said that you would think about it,
i should have known that you wouldn`t think about it at all.
UGHH, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN !
i should have known that whatever happened that night
wouldn`t matter to you at all the next day or the next day.
but i chose to believe that something would happen again.
why do i let myself be happy again and again only to be let down so many times?

ALSO !
you can`tttt believe that you totally lied to me.
you pretend that you don`t know how you lied to me,
but i KNOW that you did.
or maybe you just forgot that you did..
but it DOES NOT change the fact that you did it.

yghluijkogiulhigf ughh
i can`tttttt believe i was tricked again

WHAT THA HECKKK !
UGHHH

yesterday was a good day,
sometimes.
seeing you made my night.
actually, i think that it made my week.
i was so surprised that you actually drove down to see me.
especially since it was 130 in the morning, you crazy man !
i loved ALMOST every minute of it.
i missed you so so so much.
and i almost forgot how it felt to lay in bed with you.
to stare into your eyes while stroking your hair as i normally would.
once i started to tear up because i was happy you were there with me
and the second time, because i was sad that you weren`t really mine to keep.
that is for now, at least.
i was a bit disappointed, that after the cuddling and hugging and such,
you still told me that you needed "time."
i hate that word, because i`m the most impatient person on earth.
but hey, this was a start.
a pretty good one, i think.
minus the last part.
and before you left, you asked me to be strong
and told me not to cry.
i`m glad that we can be friends again.
glad that we can joke around.
and i can insult you with you knowing it (:

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
THANK YOU !
i really appreciated it.
you don`t even know.

i`m falling to pieces

eric yi said to cheryl today:
"guys lie to their friends and tell them they're not in love. they dont usually lie and tell them they are. that lie they save for the girls"

So today i realized that, since you`re just starting school, you might find some new girl.
Someone prettier, smarter, funnier,&everything i`m not.
&it really scares me.
Because i`m really not ready to lose you to someone or to even lose you at all.
Don`t get me wrong,i love that we`re friends again
&that we can even joke around a little bit again, but i really don`t want to share you.
"You`re mine, dude!"
That was my favorite part of the night, at jessica`s party, when you said that to me.
Because you still wanted me after the first time we broke up.
But now, i`m not so sure anymore.
Do you still want me ?
Would you still take me back ?
How pathetic do i sound right now ?
Let me take a break to wipe my tears.

I really started to miss you today.
But what`s new, right ?

I think you would like my current myspace song.
I feel like you would like it &the lyrics kinda really apply:

"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you,
&what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok"

"They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"

I wanna ask you how your first day was, but i don`t want to bother you ):
Wish you would text me first.
Cause i know i`m completely fine with you texting me,
(although fine is an understatement)
but i don`t know how you would feel if i texted you.

blog #2 of today

so today, while i was sitting in church,
i realized how much i miss you.
and i pictured seeing you again.
i think that if we were on good terms,
i would run to you and give you a big hug.
maybe even jump on you
i`m so gay, huh ?
i think that even if we`re on good terms when i see you,
i still might cry, but they would be the happy kind of tears.
ugh, i AM gay lol.
so, i came to the conclusion that
I REALLY EFFING MISS YOU.
but i`m not going to cry about it.
i`ll wait til that day when i see you comes.
"if it happens. it happens."
i can try to wait it out

QUESTION

yesterday was a fun day.
went to guppy`s with vanna kees cheryl and carms
then went to jessica`s parents` annual poker tournament.
crystal and i babysat
we colored pictures and ran around for little children (:
it was cute
not to mention we got $20 for it
and i totally was not even expecting to get paid for it.
i don`t expect to get paid for anything i enjoy doing.
mm we played card games til 4 AM
and didn`t go to sleep until around 530 AM
slept over at jessica`s with crystal
i was real cautious of my snoring (:
but overall, it was terrific

so i was thinking about it today.
i thought about the quote that brian gave me.
"sometimes you need to forget what you want, and remember what you deserve."
but now that i really think about it,
what do i even deserve ?
i really don`t know the answer to that question
and i was hoping that you could help me.
i want to know what i deserve.
was a good enough girlfriend to even deserve anything ?
do i really deserve a good guy who will love me regardless ?
do i even deserve someone who pays just enough attention to me ?
do i even deserve someone who really does love me back ?
i wanted to to ask you if i was a good girlfriend,
but you said you`re driving
and i don`t want to bother you too much.
i feel like all the joy from yesterday morning is gone.
and i`m back to square one,
where i don`t matter to you one bit.
but it was nice, to think for a moment
that you still care and that you still love me.

cheryl, jess, crystal, and celina all keep me sane

MY DAY STARTED OUT WONDERFULLY (:
first, vanna texted me
and asked if i wanted to go to guppy`s with the girlss (:
and so i`m gonna do that after this blog.
and then i went back to sleep after vanna texted.
all of a sudden i get a text from someone
so i`m like "okay, it`s vanna again"
then, i look at my phone
and surpriiiiiiise !
it was you.
maybe you really do care.
and maybe you actually do miss me.
but i won`t get my hopes up just yet.
and even though all you said was "hi,"
it meant the world to me.
i guess you just texted me because you just
wanted to know what i was doing.
but, i was still so happy.
cheryl called me, and when she heard my voice she said
"are you crying !?"
lol and i told her yes i was
but i was kinda crying happy tears.
because your text was so unexpected.
haha i`m so gay.
i was so glad that you said hi
and we even kept talking after that until
3 minutes before you went in to work.

i wonder if you realized that today should have been our
14 month anniversary :/

maybe today will be a good day (:

forgive me, first love.

you know, i don`t understand people.
when you`re nice to them, you get nothing in return
when you try to be a friend,
it doesn`t help because they ignore you.
i`m trying to be your friend.
and i`m trying to be funny
and i`m trying to be nice to you
cause that`s all i really want.
i`m not trying to convice you to get back with me
because i know that that isn`t what you want.
CLEARLY, IT`S NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
so i am trying to do the next best thing.
i`m trying to be your friend again.
i know i can`t be your "best friend" again
not right away.
but i`ve never lost a best friend before.
and i won`t start now.
not with you.

you know,
i absolutely
LOVE IT
when people break their promises
or when people don`t keep their word.
YEAH, BIG SIKE.

i NEVER LOVED being less important than chick fil a
i NEVER LOVED coming in 2nd to your precious car
i NEVER LOVED coming after hooka
i NEVER LOVED being put after beer pong

but for some reason,
i loved you anyways

how did we go from this:
From: .Jordan.
Date: Nov 4, 2007 11:35 AM
hahahhaha u gay face. i hate u ! hahaha.
but for some reason i freakin like u so much..
hahaha .im gonna tell everyone not to comment yours =]
OMG HI ! hahaha miss u....

to this:
Jan 4, 2009 12:21 AM
"grow up. i LOVED you.
im done now though for sure
cause you`re being really dumb now"

exactly 14 months later

so here`s the thing.
i changed my mind
AGAIN.
i`m not so happy.
i`m not unhappy cause i don`t wanna be your friend,
cause i do !
but YOU don`t wanna be MY friend.
get it ?
ughh laaaame.
that`s all i ask ?
but does anything EVER happen for me ?

NOPE !

okay sooo !

SO I CHANGED MY MIND.
i`m not just semi-happy
for some reason,
I`M REALLY HAPPY.
i know what i want now.
and let me tell ya,
it feels real real good.
i`m happy for myself
that i can be happy again.
it feels weird
kinda unnatural ?
because i haven`t been truly happy in a while.
but now everything is coming to me.
and i get it !
thank goodness for MY GIRLS (:
oh, and eric yi.
he says he`ll marry me.
i asked him haha
they`re seriously the best
AND THEY LOVE ME BACK.
that`s really all i need for now.
and another best friend, if you`d like.

now all we need is for crystal to be happy
and jess to find a cute guy this semester (:
and then or cheryl to be less confusing with you know who
and then all will be perfect !

dear james,
i hope you liked this blog (:
i think you`re a psychic hahaha

satisfaction

here you go, james.
this is a SEMI-HAPPY blog.
haha that`s the best i can do.

i was weak AGAIN
and i texted.
I GAVE IN.
im sorry -____-
everyone tells me not to
but i can`t help it !
at least it went well !
.. uh sorta.

but i should be satisfied with what i can get.
at least you speak to me, finally.
better than nothing
WAY BETTER THAN NOTHING.
now, act like you like it
at least.
haha hmm
but it did make me smile a little bit (:
and i usually don`t smile
..lately

one day everything will be okay.
i just don`t know if that will be any time soon !
so for now, FML (:
sorry, james haha

flashback

so i just had a flashback.
to when things were semi-okay.
i had an argument with kees and my mom
so i walked to the park by myself
and you told me not to
but when i did, you told me you were coming to get me.
or i might have asked you to get me.
my hands were almost as cold as ice
because i had been sitting on the swing.
and when you got to the park,
you asked me if i was ready to go.
so we walked to your car and you felt my hands.
once we were in, you told me to put my hands up to the heater.
but i didnt.
because i didnt want to move, or speak, or do anything at all.
then, we got to your house
and you took me to your room
i still didn`t say a word,
and you asked me to tell you what happened
but i didn`t say a thing, because i was too sad.
then you left your room to get the kung foo panda DVD
and just laying there with you,
watching the movie,
already made me feel much better.
after the movie, i think you brought some of your dad's chilly and tortilla chips.
then you left to eat real food
but i didn`t want to go out there for your parents to see me all sad.
i felt rude, but i didn`t want them to ask me what was wrong.
i always felt bad for not eating at your house
cause your parents are really nice.
after the movie, i cried a little more, and you might remember why.
i even skipped church, because i was so angry with them
and i wanted to be with you.
so after that, we picked up my things from my mom`s house
because i already had to go back to LA for school.
and when we left my mom`s house, i started to cry again
and you held my hand, and kissed it
i used to love it when you kissed my hand.
and thinking about it again makes me cry.
but you were there for me,
and now i don`t even have you anymore.
not even as a friend, and i hate it.
so this is where it gets fuzzy.
i`m pretty sure, after picking up my things,
we went to the library to return my book that you took out for me
because i owed the library something like $20
for not returning the les miserables VHS years ago.
(that was a funny day. i hope you can remember).
after the library i rememeber you asking me if i was okay.
OH, I REMEMBER NOW !
this was also the day that you were gonna bring me to LA yourself !
but then you couldn`t because your tires didn`t have the right amount of air in them, and we were trying to figure it out.
i think we went to two different gas stations.
while we were filling your tires with air, we saw tara drive by.
then we got to either vons or albertsons to meet up with my dad, since you weren`t going to bring me back to LA anymore.
we got inside, and i bought pads.
i kept throwing them at your head
and i think we played soccer with them
i kept saying "why are you holding pads, jordan?"
and we laughed about it.
we bought face wash for me, and you kept trying to rush me.
you told me to buy the one your brother buys.
but i don`t think i went with that one, sorry.
then we went to pay, and right before we left, we decided to get some scratchers.
haha, and that was REALLY funny.
thinking about it makes me smile.
we had so much fun with those.
the lady asked us to move
because we were so excited with our scratchers
that we were in the lady`s way cause she was trying to get the baked stuff.
then we scratched our scratchers,
i told you i would be lucky !
i won us another scratcher
and then YOU picked the same exact scratcher that we already had
haha, so then we lost ):
but we had alotta fun trying.
and finally i had to go back to LA
and we tried to kiss real fast while my dad wasn`t looking.

i forgot about that day until today
because i got angry again
and i wanted to leave
and walk to the park again
but it would be different after walking to the park
because i wouldn`t be able to spend the rest of my day with you to make it better.
i wish i could.

curious george

ughhh
I`M JUST A BIG FAILLLL.
drftgyhiujdfgyhujiftgyhu
seriously.
so so so confused.
you`ve moved on,
so i should move on, right ?
but if i move on, i feel like i`m still cheating on you.
i don`t even want to move on.
and it sucks, cause then i`ll never find anyone.
but i want to have someone.
the only thing is, that someone is you.
aaand only you.
SO WHAT THA HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ?
i have way too many thoughts going through my head.
how long am i gonna be waiting ?
how long am i going to go without an answer ?
how long is it going to take for me to forget everyting and move on ?
or have you moved on like i think you have ?
or do you still text her ?
are you guys bff`s ?

UGH, I NEED TO QUIT.
let me get my memory erased, please.
i hating being so curious.
cause curiosity killed the cat
and i`m definitely dying

tonight tonight

if you knew what i did and didnt do tonight,
you would be very proud of me

i need to quit thinking so much though

yesterday was good
watched SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.
jess kept saying SLAMDOG haha (:
ohyeahh and ate sushi with the guys
they watched notorious, but we didn`t feel like it
for a couple good reasons lol

mm and then at night, i gave in.
i texted, but i thought it ended already.
and then all of a sudden i got a "what are you doing?"
it was kinda a pleasant surprise.
even though it was nothing, it meant alot to me.
laaaaame, i know.
but i felt like i was talking to a new boy all over again.
nervous. didn`t even know what to say.
afraid i would say something stupid.
i hope you`re not annoyed of me.

can we just jump into the future when something good happens already ?
or just skip through all the hurt ?
i need one of them click remotes -_________-

ohyeahh, how could i forget ?
dream number 13

and so now,

i`ve come to realize that you`re over me
and over everything we had.
that sounds so stupid
cliche-like.
but i`m pretty sure that it`s true.
i`m PRETTY FREAKING SURE that you`re happier this way.
or that you`re content at least.
that you would rather have it this way.
and if you want that, it`s fine.
but i wish we could AT LEAST still be friends.
and have the decency to tell me "bye"
instead of just not responding.
you really know how to get a girl`s hopes up.

but today is another day
i`ll survive.
or i`ll look like i`m okay.

ohyeah, i had dream number 12.

UGH I MISS YOU,
AND I HATE IT !

happiness, for me
can only last for a little bit at a time.
because then i`m back to reality
and everything starts to hurt again
and i`m just as depressed as i was when i woke up.

work was good
school was good
library was good
reality is sad

dream number 10

we were all together
like everyone in our group
and then someone asked to see you blow bubbles while we hooka`d
so you did
then someone asked you to blow o`s
and then i got upset cause you forgot about me.
then you started hanging out with some slutty girl
and you were going to go out with her
so i got really depressed, and i left.
i walked around the neighborhood
you knew i was mad, and then you left for a while
which made me even more angry.
turns out, you only left to go get me something
but as soon as we`re about to settle down together,
you get a phone call
you tell me that you have to leave for your stupid beer pong tournament
or something having to do with beer pong
and i beg you not to leave me again
over and over until i am screaming and crying
but you still leave,
with a smile on your face.
excited to play beer pong.

and i wake up screaming "no ! no !"
that was a horrible dream
i cant believe i woke up screaming
it felt SO REAL

another good blog i read today (:

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

bored bored

i don't really have a purpose for this blog post, i just sorta felt like blogging for some reason haha. anyway, we won our co-ed game on sunday. we're 1-1 now. but yeh, this week has been pretty uneventful. stayed home and relaxed all of yesterday. today i went to school with kev and tay to take care of some stuff. then came home and watched the laker game. school doesn't start for a little less than two weeks now. im not at all excited to go back. but i am glad that we got to have a super long break. yeeeeh, and my brother's 21st birthday is on thursday. can't believe he's that old already. other than that, there's not too much going on. notorious comes out friday though. i definitely need to go see that. on a music note, there still really aren't many new releases. all the shit that i've been getting and listening to is mostly old school stuff. im gona try putting together a top 10 songs in a minute though. idk how that's gona end up. anyway.. changing topics, i've been thinking about the shoe game that i've been obsessed with since sophomore year of high school. i want out but i don't want out. i wana stock up but then i wana get only what i reallyyy want. it's hard to decide haha. honestly though, i am gona try slowing down. sell some of my less important stuff and alla that. anyway, that's it for this part of the blog.

but yeh, im talking to big rude pun on facebook right now haha. hiiiiiiii pun. you better go to our co-ed game next week please and thank you. and go on aim more often so i don't have to keep going on facebook lol. and get your macbook asap so we can ichat already =) on a more serious note though, one of these days im gona see the truly happy pun. and that's gona make my day when it happens. "sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve." just keep that in mind. and i got your back foo even though you're a big rude haha. and i hope you enjoyed this blog entry lol.

so here's MY post

so over 3 days, i`ve had 9 dreams of you
yeup, 9 !
counting the 2 new ones i had last night
and probably more that i just can`t remember.
i hate waking up realizing that we`re not together all over again
and again and again
i hate dreaming dreams that i know won`t come true.
dreams are so tricky, so deceiving, so REAL
but fake.

it feels like it`s been forever
but i realize that it`s only been a little over 2 weeks.
if i can`t deal with 2 weeks, how am i supposed to deal with the rest of my life ?
what the fuckkkk.
i am so tired of thinking.
i`m tired of hoping.
but i can`t help holding on.

i`m weak
-____-

here's to a really good post that i read

FOR THOSE WHO GAINED STRENGTH

i'm praying for all of you.
*thank you to deejay for showing me this (:

Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller id the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute.Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again. FINALLY THIS IS FOR THE GIRLS LIKE me WHO DECIDED TO STAND UP AGAIN AND SMILE because she knows that
"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to seek God to find her..."

p.s. do you miss me sometimes ?

GG

"i don`t wanna go another day in this hotel room
thinking that you`re gonna hate me
when i`m still in love with you."
or something like that.

i feel ya, lily

i missed you today

i wish i could still talk to you
and tell you about my life
tell you about how my days go.
it doesn`t feel the same.
not at all.
i wish i could tell you all of the stories you won`t think are funny,
cause you never thought i was anyways.
aaaaaaaaand, almost most of all,
i miss hearing your voice at the end of my days
and falling asleep with you on the phone
or you falling asleep first.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
today was a really bad "i miss you" day.
even though every day is that way.
but today was worse
OH, FML

p.s. guess what i listened to last night ?
"i love you... alot."
you probably don`t remember it

i watched bride wars yesterday
as funny as it was, i cried.
because i am weak
i`m a wimp.
i couldn`t help but think about our future that we planned going down the drain.
every single thought about our future made its way back to my memory.
and, fuck, it hurt.

seeing you for just a few seconds
made my day a little bit better.
it felt so good just to hold you.
some of my clothes smell like you
i`m a hot mess.
but i`ll hold my tears back

first of all, i say i hate you, because you tricked me into thinking that everything was real, and then you let me know that it was all a lie, that you "weren`t ready."

second, yes some guy gave me his number. i didn`t really ask. he`s a co-worker. so same as you, right ? the only difference is that we are no longer together because you broke up with me, remember ?
and what have i told you so many times? THAT I CAN`T MOVE ON because i really did love you. but i wish that it wasn`t real, that way i would be able to move on. because waiting for you, lingering, and hanging on to what we had is no help at all, apparently.

third, you won`t bother talking to me anymore? OH PLEASE, JORDAN ! when did you ever try talking to me anyways? i am always the one finding STUPID excuses just so i can make contact with the person who meant the most to me. you don`t know how much i am hurting. you don`t know what you did to me that night. you don`t know what i go through every single night of my life. you don`t know what goes on in my head BECAUSE YOU DON`T EVEN BOTHER ASKING.

I REALLY WANTED TO BE ABLE TO BE YOUR FRIEND. you just broke more than half of the promises we made to each other in the beginning of our relationship. you said that we would be friends no matter what. OH, YEAH RIGHT. what a big lie. i don`t understand how we can still be "best friends" if you won`t even bother talking to me.

i am so angry at you. but at the end of the day, i still love you. i wish we were still together. i don`t want anyone else. you just won`t let that happen.

if it`s supposed to happen it will happen. and if it doesn`t, then it doesn`t.
you said something along those lines to me.
clearly, YOU DON`T WANT IT TO HAPPEN.

i have too many questions

another day
i wish i knew how you felt
do you feel the same way i do ?
or is it the complete opposite for you ?
what happened to being best friends ?
and you being there for me no matter what ?
yes, our love life ended,
but did our friendship have to go down with it ?
i wish that you read these blog entries,
and you would understand how badly i`m hurting.
every day is a different emotion.
i`m either doing perfectly fine,
or crying my eyes out.

wish i knew your schedule every day like i used to.
wish i talked to you every night like we used to.
wish i could still hold you like i used to.
wish i could play with your hair like i used to.
wish i could just sit there staring at you like i used to.

i hardly know anything about your life right now.
i feel like i don`t know you anymore.
and it scared me

DTFYGUIHU FUCK MY LIFE

all of a sudden, i find myself SO ANGRY at you.
and it sucks because i know that it`s over.
you have moved on.
and you`ll find a new love of your life.
and i wish that i could just stop loving you and move on too.
BUT I CAN`T
and it`s not fair !

if it`s real,
love is never supposed to fade away.
you really tricked me.

and why can`t you just be a real man
and talk to me ?!
gosh i am so angry, and i can`t help it.
i`m finally beginning to break
and as much as i try to avoid being sad,
inside, i am more depressed than i can say.
as much as i try to avoid being angry at you for leaving me,
in reality, a have been mad ever since you ended it.
as much as i try not to think about things,
you are in my thought 24/7

FUCK

no one has to read this. im just blowing off some steam..

i absolutely HATE that you don`t even want to be friends with me.
you pretty much refuse.
i`ve been rejected by you as a a girlfriend,
and as a friend.
this really sucks.
because you said that you would always be there for me no matter what.
and then what happened ?
but i`m not surprised..
because you did the same thing to your other ex girlfriend.
so what happens next ?
you find some girl in college,
completely forget about me,
and then fall in love with HER ?
that would honestly kill me.
are you going to replace me just like you replaced her ?
are you going to end up with another long relationship and tell her you love her ?
so many things run through my mind, and i wonder if i EVER cross your mind at all.

i tried to talk to you today..
to be your friend.
but i could really tell that now you hate me.
and although i`m trying to be strong,
i won`t lie..
it hurt me to know that you didn`t care.

oh happy day

i got my license today
i wanna keep it brief, cause im lazy
and there is too much to go into
but i dont like writing bigbig paragraphs
so
i am so proud of myself
and a few other people are too
wish you coulda been proud of me
but its hard to even keep you as a friend
i tried, but i don`t think you want to
not at all

school tomorrow
schedule:
work 800am-230pm
marketing 300-545
critical concepts 600-845

long day ahead of me

well today was a good day

honestly, i haven`t been this happy in so long.
my day started out slow, at work.
and then we got a new worker (:
JAY
he`s pretty tight.
and he also asked for my number.
"ryan neveah" wants to be a writer, and a DJ, and direct movies.
and all kinds of things.
all of the things i`ve secretly wanted to do in my lifetime.
half black, half thai.
interesting combination (:

but tell me why i still have you in the back of my mind ?

better, i think

even though i am so angry about what you did to me,
i still think about you all day long.
i can't wait for the day when we can at least be friends again,
and i can jump in your arms like i used to
to give you a big big hug.

but i`m strong.
for now.
i can go without you..
just not for long.
so hurry up and stop being a douche.
i miss you, my oscar the grouch.
hope you`re having better days.

but you still fucked me up (:
oh, come on.
ha-ha, geez. laugh a little bit.
(no you really did though)

you just made it SO MUCH EASIER for me to forget that you were ever in my life.
that's what you wanted, and so that is what you get.
AND I HOPE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT
for throwing around the "L WORD" and messing with my heart.
you`re a huge dick, and i hope that everyone realizes that.
i can find someone who REALLY DOES love me back
someone who doesn`t just pretend that he does or hide that he doesn`t.
do i look like rag doll to you ?
maybe from now on, i`ll be a pussycat doll.
and i won`t take any shit from you.

i honestly still love you WITH ALL MY HEART
and i would take you back in a heartbeat,
but you shattered my heart to pieces.
and oh i sound so cliche,
but it really does happen
AND IT SUCKS ASSSSSS.

but now i can forget all of the shit that you put me through
because i know that you never really loved me.
and i can find a guy who loves me BACK.
not that i`ll be looking for anyone soon.
how can i trust any guy now ?
you fucked me up.

but now i am doing just fine, thank you (:

today i found out that i was never really loved.

so im empty

so many times i have heard "you can do better anyways"
or "it will get easier as the days go by" (or something along those lines.)
but none of those seem true for me.
i don`t want to believe them
or i don`t feel like they apply.
but i think that you`ll get over me faster.
so i guess i`ll just have to force myself.

i wonder if you even read these.
or if you even know that i have one.

aside from the sadness,
my friends keep me sane (:
it`s been a fun-filled week with them.
seriously, they help me out so much.
i am so so so thankful for having them in my life.
but it`s not over yet
because tonight we go clubbing (:
happy pun, here i come.

i hope

every time i hear a stupid car exhaust, i think that it's you.
or at least i hope that it is.
but of course it wouldn't be.
i saw you today.
for a quick second.
to give you your jacket, the kanye cd, and the thing i bought you.
i wish you actually wanted to be there.
i wish that our hug coulda been longer.
i wish that you would talk to me.
i wish you kissed me on the lips instead of the forehead.
i wish you wanted me back.
so after your visit, i sat in the bathroom, on the floor, for a good 10 minutes.

what am i going to do without you ?

the new year comes with new things

but i still can`t help but look back.

i think you`re ignoring me now.
but i don`t know why.
i guess now i know what to do.
just leave you alone,
and move on.
everyone tells me that i deserve better treatment,
but i don`t want it.

i just want to be okay.